


Pillar & Poison

by pseudoserendipity



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Awkward Sexual Situations, Daddy Kink, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, taeyong is antisocial af and is an anxious mess most of the time, yuta helps out a struggling taeyong, yuta is...yuta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudoserendipity/pseuds/pseudoserendipity
Summary: Taeyong was set to live and die alone, his best friend Jaehyun being the only person in the world that he allows himself to be around for longer than five minutes. And he was content with that. He really was.But life had other plans for him. And he was wholly unprepared for the perfect storm that is Nakamoto Yuta.





	1. Poison

**Author's Note:**

> At first this was just gonna be a straight up smut one shot but oops I caught feels somehow and it ended up spiraling into an actually kinda wholesome thing? Not sorry tho
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this mess! Maybe it can serve as a distraction from all the bullshit teasing SM's been putting us through lol

Taeyong has never been much for parties. Actually that’s a bit of an understatement. Taeyong has _never been_ to a party and was fully determined to make it through all of college without ever going to a single one. This is a well-known fact around campus, which Taeyong is reminded of as soon as he walks through the door and just about everyone in the room stops what they’re doing to openly gawk at him. He clears his throat and makes his way through the crowd, carefully avoiding eye contact with anyone.

_Get in and get out. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t let anyone talk to you. Just show your face to Jaehyun, take a sip of something and oh man sorry Jae, I’m actually feeling very sick right now I think I need to-_

“Lee Taeyong!” an annoyingly high-pitched voice calls out. For a split second, Taeyong considers to pretend not to hear it but before he can even decide, he feels a hand slide down his arm. He stiffens at the touch and instantly regrets his entire existence.

“Holy shit, I must be really drunk. What’s the famously mysterious hottie doing at a party?” the girl, who after much thought, Taeyong realizes is a complete stranger, slurs as she continues to clumsily press herself onto his arm. He puts on a smile that he knows is too awkward and slowly tries to detach himself from the clearly intoxicated female.

“I’m uh looking for Jaehyun, do you know where he is?” he half shouts through the blaring music. The girl doesn’t look amused but doesn’t show any signs of backing off.

“I don’t know who that is, but what I do know is that you need to come dance with me,” she replies playfully, putting on her best smile while swaying side to side and tugging at his arm. Taeyong would almost feel bad if he wasn’t more annoyed.

“He’s the host of this party. You know, the party that he’s throwing for his birthday.”

“Oh shit it’s his birthday?? I feel so bad, I didn’t get him anything!” the girl exclaims, looking honestly distraught. Taeyong decides that she’s clearly way too drunk to be wandering the place alone. He didn’t plan on babysitting drunk strangers tonight but he supposes he could use her as a sort of shield from other curious bodies. He isn’t sure how to dissuade her advances but he figures she’s too drunk to really do anything. This could work.

“Oh Seulgi there you are!”

Or not.

Three girls approach them, immediately noticing the state their friend is in. Taeyong takes this chance to quickly slip away, both disappointed and relieved.

He looks around the large room, noticing a bunch of eyes still openly watching him, making him uneasy. He had been to this house plenty of times but right now it seemed like the strangest and most unwelcoming place to be in.

With a sigh, he reaches into his pocket as he hurriedly heads toward the staircase. Pulling out his phone, he dials his best friend’s name. As he makes his way up the marble staircase, the phone starts to ring. And unfortunately continues to do so when he makes it in front of his said best friend’s room. People were strictly told not to enter the host’s room, but he knows that rule doesn’t apply to him. So he twists the door knob and walks in without hesitation. He shuts the door behind him without bothering to lock it. No amount of alcohol would make anyone stupid enough to risk getting on Jaehyun’s bad side. Taeyong walks over to his friend’s bed and plops himself down, still holding the phone to his ear.

“Come on Jae I really can’t deal with this alone,” Taeyong mutters to himself desperately, drumming his fingers on his knees.

Finally, he hears a click on the other line. But of course life was not that kind to Lee Taeyong.

“ _Hey it’s Jeffrey, sorry I missed your call, I’ll get back to you whenever-”_

Taeyong clicks his tongue and mashes the end call button. Best friends are stupid. Especially best friends who liked to call themselves Jeffrey just because they lived in America for four years.

He groans in frustration and sprawls backwards on the bed. With some consolation, he tells himself that he could at least have some peace and quiet in the knowingly off-limits room.

Or so he thought.

Not long after he decides to confine himself in Jaehyun’s room for the rest of the night does he hear heavy footsteps approaching the door.

_No fucking way._

He refuses to move out of disbelief at the possibility that someone would actually be that challenged to break the stern host’s one rule. But as soon as he hears the audible laughter right outside of the door, Taeyong shoots up and throws himself into the closet right across from the bedside, closing it just as the door to the room bursts open. He hears someone giggle and Taeyong wishes with every fiber of his being that he could teleport back to his apartment.

“Winwin, we aren’t allowed in here,” he hears a boy say. Taeyong raises an eyebrow at the odd name. Can’t say he’s met a girl with a name like that.

“You mean we aren’t allowed to _be_ _seen_ in here, hyung,” the other replies playfully with another giggle. Taeyong has to stop himself from audibly reacting to the very deep and very much masculine voice. He hears the other man scoff.

Taeyong can see a little through the slits on the closet door but the room is still pitch black so he’s only able to make out two broken figures standing in front of each other. One of them steps forward, leaning in towards the other.

“We talked about this already, Winwinnie,” the shorter male says in a softer, gentler voice.

“Please hyung, just for tonight. This’ll be the last time, I swear,” the one named Winwin pleads quietly.

A moment of silence passes through the room. Taeyong holds in his breath. His mind is racing and his heart is pounding, hard enough that he’s afraid it’ll be heard in the silence. After what seems like eternity, the sound of footsteps finally break the silence. When he notices the direction that the footsteps are walking to, Taeyong almost lets out a sigh of relief.

Until he hears the click of a lock.

_You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, you’ve gotta be fucking-_

“Strip.”

Taeyong’s eyes just about pops out of his eye socket. The tone that he heard just now could not have come from the same soft, protesting voice earlier. He hears the man make his way back towards the bed. Slowly, Taeyong brings a hand to his mouth and instantly regrets it when his elbow comes into contact with a box, shifting it and causing a quiet but noticeable noise. The footsteps stop and so does Taeyong’s heart. He squeezes his eyes shut and purses his lips.

_Shit shit shit shit shit I’m so fuckity fucking fucked shit shit shit-_

“I said. Strip.”

Taeyong doesn’t know whether to be grateful or horrified. For now, he decides on the former. If he makes it out of here without being discovered, it would be much less awkward than having the two strangers accuse him of being a perverted voyeur. Taeyong tells himself that these are just two people wanting to have sex. Perfectly normal, everyone does it, no biggie.

But the masculine giggle that comes from Winwin reminds him that this is entirely uncharted territory.

Taeyong has never given too much thought about his sexuality. Rather, he completely avoids thinking about it. He’s seen the way some women look at him and he understands the underlying interest behind it. But he’s never been able to reciprocate. Countless women have tried to flirt with him and every single time he feels a discomfort that he just can’t quite explain. He knows his reputation on campus. Some say he’s just an extremely shy guy while others say he’s a stuck up snob. There is one other opinion that floats around, but Taeyong makes sure to ignore that one. Taeyong doesn’t know what he is. And he doesn’t care to find out.

Distracted by his thoughts, Taeyong almost forgets the situation he’s in until he hears the squeak of the bed. His eyes dart towards the source of the sound out of reflex. While Taeyong was lost in his thoughts, the boy named Winwin seems to have followed the orders given to him because he was currently sitting on the bed practically naked, his shirt and pants lying haphazardly on the floor. The window by the bed softly illuminates his smiling face.

 _Pretty._ It’s the first word that pops up in his head.

For a second, Taeyong had forgotten about the other presence in the room until he hears the click of his tongue. He approaches the bed, his back facing Taeyong as he looks down at the undressed boy in front of him.

“You’re very pretty kitten, but if you make me say it a third time, I’m not gonna be very happy. And you know what happens when I’m not happy,” the man says with an edge in his voice.

Taeyong has a hard time wrapping his head around the words coming out of the man’s mouth. He doesn’t even have time to catch up as he notices Winwin lift his body a little and tug at his underwear.

Taeyong whips his head to the side and feels his cheeks flush. He spent a good amount of time thinking about all of the ridiculous things that could happen tonight but this blew every single one of those scenarios right out of the water.

“Y-you too, I want to see you too Yuta-hyu-”

Winwin suddenly gasps, cut off when the other man grabs his face with a heavy hand, putting noticeable pressure on his cheeks. He brings his face closer to Winwin’s and chuckles amusedly, maintaining his strong grip on the boy.

“You seem to really want to get punished today kitten. You know that’s not what you’re supposed to call me,” the man who was apparently called Yuta takes his other hand and places it on Winwin’s thigh, massaging it slowly.

Winwin squirms in his seat in discomfort. Suddenly, Taeyong becomes worried for the boy, becoming more unsure about the situation. All his worries are flipped upside down, however, when the boy starts to speak.

“P-please..” he says quietly.

“You need to speak up kitten.”

“I want...I just wan- ah!” Winwin lets out a yelp when Yuta brings his hand further up his thigh.

“Hm? What is it that you want? I might give it to you if you beg nicely” Yuta leans in and whispers into Winwin’s ears but Taeyong hears him loud and clear. His heart continues to thump harshly in his chest at the scene unfolding in front of him.

“I want you…” the request softly escapes Winwin’s mouth. Yuta lets out a breathy laugh and pulls back, finally releasing his hold on the other boy.

“We both know you can do better than that, lovely boy,” Yuta says as his other hand continues to knead the boy’s upper thigh. Winwin opens his legs a little and looks Yuta in the eyes.

“I want…” Winwin starts but shakes his head. Taeyong gets the urge to flee the room but he feels frozen in place.

_Just let this end already, Jesus Chr-_

“I need you to fuck me hard daddy.”

Taeyong actually has to bite down on his fist to stop himself from choking on his spit. The words continue to loop through his head, his mind struggling to process anything. As if that wasn’t enough, to his horror, he feels himself tightening in his pants. Alarm bells start blaring in his head.

_What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck._

Yuta lets out a pleased hum as he brings his body back up to stand straight. He crosses his arms and tugs on his shirt, relieving his upper body of the garment and tossing it on the floor. Again, Taeyong has to stop himself from making a sound. The moonlight perfectly illuminates the man’s unexpectedly toned back, the shadows accenting the dips in between the well-defined muscles.

“Fuck.”

For a split second, Taeyong is mortified, thinking that he had said it but he quickly realizes that the deeper voice came from Winwin. He breathes out softly in relief, but this feeling becomes short-lived when he hears the familiar sound of metal clanging and sees Yuta swiftly pulling out his belt. Taeyong waits for the loud sound of the item hitting the floor but it stays in Yuta’s hands.

At this point, Taeyong was undeniably aroused. Incredibly shocked and confused but also _very much aroused_ if the increasingly uncomfortable tightness in his pants was anything to go by.

A loud cracking sound suddenly penetrates the room and Taeyong jumps. He sees Yuta slowly running his hand through the leather belt.

“Hmmm, you’ve been a really bad boy. I don’t know if you deserve daddy’s cock,” Yuta says in an even, steady tone.

Taeyong wants to scream.

Just when he feels the last bits of his sanity slipping away, a shrill ringing sound pierces the room. He has a mini heart attack for the nth time before he recognizes that the ringtone isn’t his.

“Shit,” Winwin spits out before diving for his pants. He fumbles through the pile of clothing. “Hello? What’s up, are we in trouble?” he says rapidly in broken Korean. Taeyong just now notices his heavy accent. “Shit, okay okay we’re coming down. Thanks Doyoung-hyung, we owe you one,” Winwin ends the call and starts to dress in a hurry.

“Jaehyun-hyung was about to go up here, Doyoung-hyung’s stalling for us right now,” Winwin explains as he hurriedly dresses himself. Yuta nods in response and begins to put his belt back on.

“You head out first, Winwinnie. Don’t be seen,” Yuta says, his voice authoritative but devoid of the strong edge it had just a few seconds ago. Winwin nods and straightens his shirt. He goes to walk past Yuta but suddenly stops by his side.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispers with his head down. Yuta faces him with a smile and pats his cheek gently.

“We’ll talk about it later, okay?” Yuta replies before patting his shoulder and sending him off. Winwin nods softly before continuing towards the door. He opens the door slowly and slips out.

Taeyong almost let out a huge breath of relief until he realizes that the man named Yuta was still in the room. Said man stood still where he was, unmoving until he brings a hand to the back of his neck and sighs.

“You can come out now.”

Taeyong’s breath catches in his throat.

This is it. This is the moment that will remain in his memories as the most mortifying and traumatizing event in his life. He knows there’s no way out of it but he feels physically unable to move an inch of his body. Yuta seems to lose patience as he strides towards the closet and yanks the door open. Taeyong greets him with wide eyes.

“Well this makes it easier,” Yuta says in relief. Taeyong isn’t quite sure what he means until the other boy reaches for the front of his shirt and slams him onto the wall. Taeyong coughs at the sudden force.

“Did you enjoy the show you sick fuck?” Yuta spits out and steps closer, pressing himself against the coughing boy.

“I- I didn’t know- I just came here to avoid the party but then I heard footsteps and-”

“I better not hear a word about this from anyone, otherwise you’re-” Yuta suddenly stops and steps back. He glances down and looks back up at Taeyong’s face, who can only look back with confusion.

All of a sudden, Yuta starts laughing. For the life of him, Taeyong can’t figure out what the other man could possibly find funny in the situation. He shakes his head and instead takes the opportunity to explain himself.

“Look, I won’t tell anyone okay. I promise. We can part ways and just forget any of it happened. I really don’t want any trouble,” Taeyong lets out in a burst. Yuta finally stops laughing.

“Glad to know. Sorry about that by the way, didn’t mean to shove you so hard.”

Taeyong would say no hard feelings but it did feel like he almost got the wind knocked out of him so he settles for a curt nod. He feels a little bit of the tension in the room dissipate and lets his eyes wander to the man in front of him. Another terrible idea by Lee Taeyong.

Yuta was currently standing a few steps in front of him with his hands in his pocket and very much still half naked. Taeyong takes in the image in front of him. Remembering the view of his back, Taeyong isn’t exactly surprised by the definition of the man’s front half. What does captivate him is his face. The Greek god Adonis comes to mind when he looks at Yuta’s features.

When he meets Yuta’s eyes, he sees amusement behind them. Realizing that he’s been unintentionally but openly checking out the man in front of him, Taeyong coughs awkwardly and immediately breaks eye contact, internally cursing himself for being a goddamn creep.  

“Like what you see?”

Taeyong has only known Yuta for a short span of ten or so minutes but he has already come to learn how to tell Yuta’s natural tone of voice from his other, more...playful one. And right now the man clearly wants to play.

Taeyong refuses to make eye contact with him, not even sure how to respond.

“You obviously liked what you saw a while ago.” This time Taeyong does look at him, ready to defend himself until he notices Yuta’s smile and _good god how is that even real?_

“Sorry, I uh couldn’t help but notice with how close we were,” Yuta starts, his smile turning into a more devilish smirk that affects Taeyong in confusing ways. “But you were sporting quite the boner.”

Taeyong physically feels his face heat up as he purses his lips.

“I wasn’t,” he lies. Yuta chuckles. Taeyong wonders how he can find even someone’s chuckle attractive.

“Come on pretty boy, I know what a hard-on feels like. Besides, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I definitely would have gotten hard if I was in your situation. And if the boys were as hot,” Yuta emphasizes the last note with a wink. Taeyong clears his throat and suddenly gets the urge to explore the carpet below him. He digs a heel into the carpet, carefully considering his next words.

“I’m not...attracted to men…” Taeyong states awkwardly. He’s not quite sure why he feels the need to even mention it.   

Yuta raises an eyebrow at his response, a look of genuine surprise briefly passing by his face. Taeyong can feel the other’s eyes boring into him.

“You sure about that?” Yuta then asks in a tone not unlike the one he had used with Winwin. Taeyong feels a shiver run through his spine, feelings of arousal coming back. He feels his heart rate pick up and crosses his arms together, scratching his inner arm with his thumb.

“I-I- I don’t- I really d-don’t think...” Taeyong knows he’s stuttering like an idiot and has to hold back a whimper. Yuta immediately picks up on his distress, all signs of playfulness in his expression gone. He shakes his head slightly.

“Shit I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” Yuta apologizes with genuine regret, catching Taeyong off guard. He wants to ask what he’s sorry for but he doesn’t trust himself to say anything at the moment so he simply continues to trace patterns on the carpet floor with his eyes. Silence occupies the room for a while and Taeyong feels himself loosening up again.

“Can I ask what your name is?” Yuta says the question with a gentle voice and a hint of hesitance. Taeyong swears he’s getting whiplash by the sudden turns Yuta’s personality keeps on making. The sudden politeness makes Taeyong uncomfortable but not in an unsettling way.

“Uh, yeah it’s Taeyong. Lee Taeyong,” he responds, glancing at Yuta for a brief second before tearing his eyes away again.

“Lee Taeyong,” Yuta repeats, seemingly to himself, with a smile. “Well this has been quite frankly the most interesting encounter I’ve ever had with anyone but I should probably go before the gracious host gets here and beats the living shit out of me. Or at least tries to.”

Yuta reaches down to pick up his shirt and promptly puts it back on. He walks toward the door and when he reaches it, he looks back towards Taeyong and gives him a careful but sincere smile. Taeyong finds himself taken aback by the charm that the other boy seems to exude so readily.

“See you around, Taeyong.”

Yuta opens the door and walks out, finally leaving Taeyong completely alone in the room once more. A few seconds pass and Taeyong bolts to the door, clicking the lock sideways with excessive force.

All of a sudden, exhaustion rushes through Taeyong’s entire body, feeling like he’s just run a marathon or two. He slowly shuffles to the bed and lets his body flop forward gracelessly.

Although his body feels weak, his mind is _racing_. He tosses and turns in bed, hopelessly fighting away fleeting images of a toned chest and a pair of soft brown eyes.

It takes him two hours too long to fall asleep.


	2. Paralysis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong doesn't know why he doesn't see it coming. Of course they would have mutual friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's going down in a few days and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for OT18 fok
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Taeyong wakes up to the smell of coffee and syrup. When he opens his eyes, he has to blink a few times to adjust to the brightness in the room.

“Morning, sleepy head,” a familiar voice greets him.

“Jae?” Taeyong groggily asks as he slowly pulls himself up to a sitting position. As his eyes finally adjust to his surroundings, he realizes where he is and gasps. Jaehyun laughs from across the room.

“What the hell happened last night, dude? You get so fucked up that you passed out on my bed?” his friend questions lightly out of pure curiosity.

“Um, yeah… Sorry.” Taeyong isn’t sure what to say so he decides to keep things short and safe.

“I didn’t see you at all last night, thought you might have ditched.”

“You know I wouldn’t have done that.” Jaehyun smiles knowingly at Taeyong’s response and nods in agreement.

“Well thanks for watching over my room. No one was stupid enough to come in here right?” the brown haired boy asks.

The image of a certain half naked man flashes through Taeyong’s head.

“Uh, no,” Taeyong responds swiftly. His friend studies him for a second before pointing to the bedside table.

“Breakfast. Gave you extra syrup to satisfy your disgustingly massive sweet tooth.” Taeyong looks to his right and smiles at his best friend for just a brief second.

“I’m sorry for kicking you out of your own room,” Taeyong says apologetically. Jaehyun just scoffs.

“As if I would have let you. I just rolled your starfished body over.”

In any other day, Taeyong would have been scandalized but given the events of the previous night, he’s finding it hard to be shocked by anything else.

“Sorry. If that’s weird,” Jaehyun adds carefully when Taeyong doesn’t respond immediately.

“No, no of course not. It’s your bed and I intruded. Totally on me.”

Silence passes between the two.

Taeyong remembers the day his best friend had come out to him. They were in their second year of high school and Jaehyun had come crying to him, stumbling through his words as he told him about a boy in class with nice hair, a pretty smile and a cute girlfriend.

Afterwards, Jaehyun had asked him apprehensively if he still wanted to be friends given his announcement. Taeyong remembers tapping him on the head and calling him stupid. He was never put off by the idea of same-sex relationships and Jaehyun came to learn that. But nevertheless, Jaehyun tries not to have it as a frequent topic of conversation between them.

“Well come down when you’re done eating, okay? We’re going out,” Jaehyun informs him as he taps on his door frame. Taeyong stops the whine from escaping his mouth. He honestly just wants to go back home and induce himself into another 10 hour coma.

“Out? What for?”

“Birthday brunch,” Jaehyun casually responds. He hesitates before his next words. “With the guys.” He studies Taeyong’s face closely. Taeyong resists the sigh that is about to escape from his mouth.

Jaehyun is a popular guy, a fact that Taeyong is well aware of. While his own friend group comes down to a whooping count of one brown-haired dimpled boy, said boy has an entire squad of other people he regularly hangs out with. He’s met a few of them here and there because of Jaehyun’s continuous effort to include him into the larger group. But he would always feel too awkward and would thus find an excuse to leave after five minutes too long of forced small talk. To this day he wonders how his brooding, antisocial ass came to be best friends with a literal ray of sunshine.    

“You don’t have to stay for too long. I’d just like you to be there. Just for a bit,” Jaehyun says to him almost pleadingly and Taeyong knows he would have to be the literal devil to turn him down. So he puts aside his own worries and looks to his best friend with a small smile.

“But I’m literally just about to eat breakfast,” he responds, feigning annoyance. Jaehyun reads the hidden message behind his sarcastic complaint and beams. “And honestly, what is it with rich people and celebrating their birthdays for a week?” he continues to tease and Jaehyun chuckles. When it dies down, he gives Taeyong another cautious look.

“Doyoung says he’s bringing some friends of his too. Hope you don’t mind.”

It seems like Jaehyun was out to make this day particularly challenging for him. This time Taeyong does let out a sigh but it’s more in resigned acceptance than out of frustration.

“Not like I would have had a say in it anyways,” Taeyong replies jokingly. Jaehyun simply looks at him with an appreciative smile.

“Yeah not really. Be ready in an hour. I’ll be down.” Taeyong nods and Jaehyun turns to go downstairs.

For a while, Taeyong just sits there and tries to entice himself with the plate of diabetes in front of him. But he already feels the anxiety slowly creeping in as he thinks about having to sit in a table full of unfamiliar people. He can picture the scene in his head: his small figure robotic and silent, isolated at the end of the table while the rest of the group chatters animatedly amongst themselves.

Taeyong hates being around strangers. And everyone except Jaehyun is a stranger.

 

\----------

 

When they walk into the surprisingly small and homely looking diner (he’s gotten used to luxury when it comes to Jaehyun), Taeyong is relieved to realize that they’re the first ones to arrive. He takes this time to settle his nerves and try to recollect a handful of conversation starters in the case that a poor soul decides to acknowledge his presence.

“Dude, relax. You’ve been rearranging your utensils for like the past five minutes,” Jaehyun whispers as he reaches for Taeyong’s wrist gently. The boy, unaware of his own actions, finally stops and squeezes his hands under his thighs, physically preventing himself from fiddling further.

Taeyong mouths a small apology to his friend. He starts tapping his leg furiously. Jaehyun’s about to say something again when he hears the sound of familiar voices approaching their table.

“Hey birthday boy, heads up!” Jaehyun barely catches the rectangular package that’s suddenly thrown his way. Taeyong stiffens in his seat. From a quick glance, he sees some people he recognizes but the towering figure in front was definitely a new face.

“You couldn’t have waited a few more seconds to hand me that Youngho-hyung?” Jaehyun whines as he gets up to greet everyone. Taeyong knows he has to follow along with his actions but his ass feels glued to the seat. Jaehyun has hugged a few people already by the time he finally manages to bring himself up. He takes from his past experiences and just stands there, waiting for his friend to introduce him.

“Hey Taeyong, how you been?” a familiar and fellow shortie takes a seat in front of him.

 _Fuck, what’s his name? I don’t remember his name._ _Tae...Taemin? That doesn’t sound right._

“Oh um, hi. I’ve been good.” Taeyong saves himself the embarrassment and avoids addressing him by any name. A few seconds later, he realizes that he didn’t return the guy’s question and he mentally slaps himself. He decides that the window of opportunity has already passed, opting to take a seat instead as the rest of the group starts to do so as well.

As the buzzing of multiple conversations begin, Taeyong discreetly scans the table and realizes that there is only one person he doesn’t recognize: the ridiculously tall tower, whose height is obvious even when he’s sitting down. He feels slightly relieved. One person isn’t so bad. Jaehyun settles in next to him and turns to him.

“Let’s see, I think the only person here that you haven’t met is Youngho-hyung. Hyung, this is Taeyong. The childhood friend I’ve told you about.”

Johnny extends a hand across the table with a big smile and Taeyong takes it, internally freaking out at how his hand gets _swallowed_ by the other’s. You could say that they have a bit of a size difference.

“Nice to meet you Taeyong. I applaud you for managing to stay friends with this guy for so long.”

“I question our friendship everyday.” Taeyong pauses in horror, realizing that he said that out loud. Johnny’s eyes crinkle and he leans back a little as he lets out a laugh.

“Yes yes, roast the birthday boy,” Jaehyun says, biting back a grin. He then turns to Doyoung with a questioning look. “Didn’t you say you were bringing a few other friends?”

“Oh, Winwin and Yuta? Yeah they should be here soon. Fuckers are never anywhere on time,” Doyoung responds with an eye roll, far too nonchalant and unaware that he has just violently shattered Taeyong’s world.

_Thanks Doyoung-hyung, we owe you one._

Taeyong’s mind immediately goes into overdrive, millions of potential excuses whizzing by as he tries to think of the right one to use. A far too vivid recollection of the previous night’s scarring events flashes through his mind and he feels his stomach churn. Well what do you know, he actually happens to have the legitimate excuse of wanting to throw up now. He quickly turns to Jaehyun and talks in a hurried whisper.

“Um, please don’t hate me but I really need to go-”

“Oh, there they are. Guys, over here!” Doyoung calls out and waves to the pair.

Taeyong would love to be literally swallowed up by the ground right about now.

He hears the two approach but he doesn’t dare look, holding onto the infinitesimal chance that his corner of the table will go entirely unnoticed. He tries to physically shrink himself, hoping it might help.

“Sorry for being late, that’s just who I am as a human being.”

The voice is so alarmingly familiar.

“Yuta-hyung, you said we were early!” he hears Winwin complain to the other. Yuta only chuckles.

“Typical. Everyone, this is Yuta and Winwin. Yuta and Winwin, this is everyone. Now sit down, I’m freaking starving,” Doyoung says in a rush, all but diving for the menu afterwards.  

Taeyong silently thanks Doyoung’s gluttony for unknowingly helping him stay hidden.

“Thank you, master of introductions,” Yuta says, voice dripping with sarcasm. Taeyong hears a chair slide. The group is rather large and since they’re at the opposite ends of the table, he decides that he could actually be in the clear. He relaxes in his seat a little but still hangs his head low and tilted away from the other side.

“As Doyoung here so eloquently put, my name is Yuta. You guys probably can’t tell because my Korean is perfect but I’m Japanese. This is Winwin. He’s from China. What’s everyone’s names?” Taeyong hears Yuta say and it feels like his throat just dropped to his stomach.

The names seemingly come rapidly one after the other and Taeyong hasn’t even had the time to take a breath when he feels Jaehyun elbowing him, signalling his turn.

Taeyong has never been one to crave the feeling of inebriation but he thinks now would be a great time to down a handful of shots of vodka. He knows he’s been quiet for too long and is probably causing a really weird tension so he reluctantly turns his head and instantly regrets it the moment he makes eye contact with familiar brown orbs.

Everyone has their eyes on Taeyong so no one else notices the brief shit-eating grin that passes through Yuta’s face.

“Um, this is Taeyong.” Jaehyun figures his best friend finally lost the ability to talk and spits it out for him, breaking the awkward silence. “Have you guys met or something?” he asks, looking to Yuta then back to Taeyong. The others mimic his action in silence.

_Lee Taeyong you piece of literal potato garbage, talk. Say something, anything._

“Nope,” Yuta answers nonchalantly and shakes his head, a perfect lie. “Nice to meet you, Taeyong.” He flashes him a genuine smile but Taeyong knows there’s a smirk behind it.

“Yeah, uh, you too.” Taeyong says while looking away, finally managing to get his vocal chords to cooperate. His eyes momentarily flit towards the boy next to Yuta, who then gives him a shy smile. Taeyong can’t help but recall the image of the boy from last night practically naked, smooth body illuminated by the moonlight. He clears his throat and forces the thought out of his head.

“Yo, is your name really Winwin? Kind of a weird name,” the boy who Taeyong remembers as Haechan lays out the question from across the table. Mark, who is seated next to him, nudges his chest non too gently and gives him a disapproving look.

“My real name is Sicheng but I go by Winwin to make things easier,” Winwin answers, not seeming to take any offence at the other’s blunt way of speaking. Taeyong wonders how he didn’t notice the boy’s heavy accent earlier that night.

“Oh yeah I totally get it. Would’ve been hard to ask people to call me Minhyung all the time when I was in Canada. Mark’s a lot more straightforward,” the teen comments with a smile. One thing that Taeyong remembers about Mark is that he’s always smiling. Or laughing. Taeyong’s always found him unnervingly happy.

“Or people could just learn to pronounce your damn name,” Yuta counters from the other end, eyes staying on the menu in front of him.

“Easy for you to say, _Yuta_ -hyung,” Winwin says next to him, making a point of enunciating his simple, disyllabic name.

“ _Sicheng_. There, that wasn’t so hard either, was it?” Yuta responds, if only to prove a point. Taeyong doesn’t know a single word in Chinese but judging by the way Winwin laughs, Yuta probably didn’t have as good of a pronunciation as he thought he did.

Taeyong watches the two interact and finds himself thoroughly confused. He’s unsure of their relationship, even though it should have been glaringly obvious given what he witnessed last night. But for some reason, the two didn’t give off any such vibe that would indicate anything past friendship between them.

He remembers how Yuta had physically threatened him to not blab about what he saw. Whatever they had was clearly not for the public to know. This realization reminds Taeyong that it’s not even any of his business to think about in the first place.

“I went by Johnny when I was in Chicago,” Youngho’s cheery contribution brings Taeyong back to the present conversation.

“No one cares Youngho,” the short one whose name escapes Taeyong still says casually, earning a laugh from a majority of the table. Taeyong thinks it’s rather comical to see a pout on a grown man.

Just then, a woman arrives at their table, introducing herself as their server. While Doyoung is giving his order to the waitress, Taeyong isn’t able to hold back the urge to glance towards Yuta. He jumps in his chair a little to find the other’s eyes already on him, as if he was just expectantly waiting for him to follow. The raven-haired male flashes his perfect teeth and gives him a playful wink. Taeyong doesn’t know why he’s blushing, regretting his decision to look as he practically buries his face into the menu.

This was going to be the longest meal of his life.  

 

\----------

 

“Fuck, I’m full. Who said it was a good idea to get 8 stacks of pancakes?” Youngho lets out as soon as they step out of the diner.

“You did, you big doof,” Doyoung answers with a roll of his eyes.

“They were offering a good deal though…” the tall man responds in defense.

“Hey if you guys don’t have plans for the rest of the day, let’s chill at my place. My parents are still gonna be gone for the next two days,” Jaehyun offers to the group.

“Oh we should totally have a kickback or something then!” Haechan suggests in excitement. Taeyong yelps internally, especially with everyone else looking completely on board.

“I do have quite a bit of booze left surprisingly.” Jaehyun considers the idea for a moment. “You guys free tonight? You guys can sleep over so no one has to worry about being DD.”

“What’s a DD?”

“Oh my god Mark, you’re such a child. It means designated driver. The person who has to be the responsible one while everyone else gets hammered,” Haechan explains to him. Taeyong raises a brow, remembering that Mark is the older of the two.

“Anyways. Who’s actually down?” Jaehyun interrupts the younger ones before they start squabbling.

“Super down. We haven’t done this in a while. Plus the newbies should make it more fun,” Youngho says with a grin as he looks to Yuta, Winwin and to Taeyong’s dread, himself.

To make matters worse, everyone else starts answering in agreement. Including Yuta, Taeyong notes. Meanwhile he’s trying to come up with yet another excuse. With the amount of times he’s had to do this, he’s surprised he isn’t a master at it by now.

“You up for it Taeyong?” Jaehyun nudges him, halting his stream of thoughts. It looks like he’s already expecting a certain answer but he also looks a little hopeful. Taeyong purses his lips, trying to decide between ‘I think the omelette gave me food poisoning’ or ‘I need to babysit my neighbor’s nonexistent dog.’ But the way everyone is looking at him makes him keep his mouth shut. “I didn’t really see you at the party last night, you know” his best friend presses on and damn it, it isn’t fair. Why can’t he just be allowed to live his life alone?

Taeyong decides from now on that he will somehow find himself out of the country whenever February 14th rolls around. He nods in defeat. Jaehyun positively beams for the second time that day. Taeyong hopes it’ll be the last.

“Great, you guys can start dropping by at 7. Or earlier if you wanna help clean and setup.”

“Ha, fat chance. See ya’ll at 7!” Youngho announces with a wave as he turns around and walks away, Mark, Haechan and the tiny one following him after saying their own goodbyes.

“I can help you clean up, Jae,” Doyoung offers sheepishly to the birthday boy. Yuta gapes at the scene.

“What the fuck, since when did Kim Doyoung give his time to anyone other than himself?” Yuta exclaims.

“On second thought, Yuta’s uninvited, canceled, goodbye.” Doyoung motions the boy away.

“Actually, I’m also willing to contribute my time to this noble cause.” Yuta smirks when Doyoung lets out a groan, turning to Jaehyun for help, who merely shrugs.

“The more help I can get, the better. The place is still pretty trashed.”

Taeyong remembers walking down the stairs in the morning and being absolutely horrified. ‘Pretty trashed’ was the understatement of the century. Jaehyun had to literally drag him out the door to stop him from grabbing a pair of gloves and going to town. If there was anything he hated more than socializing, it was leaving any sort of mess anywhere.

So before his brain can even fully process his words, he blurts out, “I’ll help too.”

Jaehyun looks at him, not entirely surprised knowing his best friend.

“Guess I’ll come along too,” Winwin adds.

“Alright, cool. Thanks everyone. It’ll be a tight fit in my car but your skinny asses should manage,” Jaehyun muses as he starts walking towards his white Mercedes-Benz Coupe (the spoiled brat).

Doyoung is first to claim shotgun, much to Taeyong’s dismay. He’s about to hop in the back when he feels a hand on his wrist. His eyes shoot back to find none other than Yuta standing directly behind him. Taeyong’s back hits the car when he instinctively moves to put some space between them. Yuta releases his hold right away.

“Smallest one in the middle,” Yuta tells him with a smug grin. He looks towards Winwin and notices that the meek boy is taller than both of them. He curses his rather petite stature and begrudgingly makes room for Winwin to hop in before him. The quiet boy gives him a smile of thanks.

Taeyong finally gets in the car and Yuta follows him right after, sitting snuggly to his right. Since the car is only meant for four people, Taeyong finds himself sitting on a raised portion of the backseat. For reasons beyond him, he notes that with the proper amount of force, he could easily be sent flying into Yuta’s lap. Or Winwin’s. He reminds himself that the quiet boy is there too.

_This isn’t some freaking drama._

He finds himself clinging onto the passenger seats in front of him for dear life anyways. In the front, Jaehyun turns on the radio and lets the music fill the car.

Taeyong glues his eyes to the road ahead, doing his best to ignore the heat from the press of Yuta’s thigh against his. Of course his brain decides this is the perfect time to wander, inevitably finding its way to the one thing it really shouldn’t.

_I said. Strip._

_I might give it to you if you beg nicely._

_I need you to fuck me hard da-_

Taeyong stops himself right there because no, no, no, no, no he is _not_ about to get a fucking semi in the back of Jaehyun’s car with three other people present, two of whom are responsible for Taeyong’s current, humiliating predicament.

This is insane. Absolutely bat shit crazy. He’s acting like a pubescent teen who can’t get a hold of his hormones. Why is he so affected by what he saw last night? As soon as the question passes through his mind, however, he realizes he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“Jae, can you turn up the music?” Taeyong requests seemingly out of nowhere, his fingers drumming heavily on the car seat in front of him.

“Uh, yeah sure.” Jaehyun thinks it’s random but he complies anyways.

Taeyong resists the urge to bite his nails, a nasty habit that he’s managed to kick but still comes up at particularly unsettling times. He tries his damndest to focus on the blaring beats coming from the speaker. He sighs, already feeling defeated.

This was going to be a long ass ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I'm sorry about that last line but also I'm really not


	3. One Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta learns that Taeyong likes cleaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating last week, got swamped with school work rip
> 
> Also have ya'LL SEEN BOSS?? Bij I'm shook I literally got up at 6:50 am to watch it and it slayed me only to bring me back to life and slay me again.
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is kinda short but what happens is very essential to the progression of the story. Hope ya'll enjoy!! Thanks so much for the feedback so far, I really really appreciate all the kudos and comments from everyone

As soon as they get to the house, Taeyong all but dives for the cleaning supplies. The others, aside from Jaehyun, are slightly taken aback by the sudden vigor in the movements of the typically meek boy. They try to help at first but whenever someone would so much as make a movement to pick something up, Taeyong would jump in and insist that he’ll handle it. Eventually they learn to give up and decide to just stay out of Taeyong’s way, not entirely unwilling or disappointed.

“Should we, uh, help him?” Yuta asks Jaehyun tentatively as he watches Taeyong who has been on his knees, vigorously scrubbing a stain on the carpet floor for the past fifteen minutes. Jaehyun follows his gaze and when he sees the familiar sight, he just shakes his head with a laugh.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned from our years of friendship, it’s to never bother him when he’s in his element like that,” Jaehyun tells him.

“Ah,” is all Yuta says in response.

“He has mysophobia. It doesn’t make him dysfunctional or anything but he’s a bit more than the regular clean freak,” Jaehyun informs him.

Yuta looks at the brown tuffs of loose hair from across the room, bouncing animatedly from the boy’s frantic movements. “Cute,” he says with a smile. Jaehyun turns to look at him. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it right after, contemplating his words.

“Hyung, Taeyong’s...straight,” Jaehyun carefully tells him, assuming it’s news to him. Yuta remains quiet, pretending to let the other’s words sink in. He does his best not to smile and instead puts on his best fake disappointment look. It only makes him want to laugh. “Might be asexual, honestly. Dude’s never been with anyone let alone shown interest,” Jaehyun adds.

Yuta quirks an eyebrow. _That_ is news to him. That is _interesting_ news to him. He remembers the way Taeyong had rather blatantly scanned his body the night before. Not to toot his own horn, but at the time, the boy didn’t look entirely disinterested to him.

“You probably shouldn’t go around telling random people that stuff about him,” Yuta advices. Jaehyun pales at the realization. Yuta gives him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

“I’ll keep my mouth shut. Just letting you know for future reference. Some people like to spread stupid shit,” Yuta tells him. Jaehyun nods nervously and gives him a weak smile.

“Thanks, hyung.”  

“I’m the best, I know,” Yuta jests as he walks off with a smile and a wave. Jaehyun decides he likes Yuta. He seems like he would make a good friend and the man certainly has his charms. He watches as the Japanese boy crouches next to Taeyong and says something. When Taeyong makes absolutely no move to acknowledge the other, Jaehyun laughs.

Yuta looks to him with a frown. Jaehyun doesn’t try to bite back his grin when he shrugs in an ‘I told you so’ kind of way.

 

\---------

 

Taeyong scans the room for the nth time, trying to spot a blemish. He spent the past 3 and a half hours tirelessly working to make the place immaculate. And that it was. He removes the mask from his face and finally lets out a relaxing breath. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. The smell of Febreeze calms him like no other.

“Christ, can I pay you to clean my apartment? Fair warning though, you could very well pass out at the sight of it.”

Taeyong looks to his side and is greeted with pearly whites and chocolate eyes. All his peace goes out the window in an instant.

“I, uh, I don’t do this as a job or anything but um- I mean if you really need me to-” Yuta’s laugh cuts off his stammering.

“I was just kidding,” Yuta says, smile never leaving his face. Taeyong stands rigidly, unsure of how to act. “On the other hand, you might actually want to consider making a side job out of this. Tons of lazy college students out there who would appreciate the help. I imagine the smell of rotting ramen would probably drive someone up the wall enough to spend the money.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, afraid to make a fool of himself any further.

“Do you like cleaning?” Yuta asks suddenly with a slight tilt of his head. And Taeyong just kind of blinks at him for a few awkward seconds. The topic of the question should be entirely uninteresting but Yuta was standing there, looking genuinely curious to hear his thoughts. So he tells him.

“Yeah, I actually really do. It helps clear my mind. When I’m cleaning, I can take my time thinking about my problems and my thoughts are less jumbled. I stress clean a lot and when I’m done I feel like I can breathe a little better. I don’t know I just find it somewhat therapeutic and wow I sound really lame, don’t I?” Taeyong stops himself mid-rant with the embarrassing realization. Yuta actually throws his head back a little when he laughs. When he looks back at Taeyong and sees how the other’s eyes have become glued to his own feet, he stops.

“I bawled like a baby watching an anime movie by myself. Twice.”

Taeyong doesn’t know why he’s being told this but he almost chuckles after hearing it.

“I’m pretty lame too,” Yuta leans in and tells him in an almost whisper. When Taeyong looks up, he’s greeted by the most angelic smile.

Something about the exchange stirs something in Taeyong, leaving him just a little bit breathless.

Yuta is a nice person, he thinks to himself. Nice is usually a broad, ironically impartial choice for a descriptor but it just honestly fit perfectly with the ridiculously photogenic male.

“Thanks,” Yuta suddenly says with an even brighter smile. Taeyong is confused until he realizes he must have said something along the lines of the last part of his thoughts aloud. If it was physically possible for him to fold into himself, he would have liked to do it right about now.

Silence falls between them. Yuta watches him carefully, his eyes flitting down to Taeyong’s fingers, which were flicking at his nails rather roughly. Yuta’s gut reaction is to step forward and bring the hand into his own but he stops himself.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” he asks the shorter male instead.

“Hm?” Taeyong responds questioningly. Yuta’s gaze falls lower and when Taeyong realizes what he’s referring to, he immediately brings his arms behind his back.

“Sorry. Bad habit,” he says with a sheepish mask of a smile.

“You don’t have to apologize. I was just worried you were hurting yourself,” Yuta tells him in assurance. The other probably didn’t mean much by it but his honest words affect Taeyong more than he expected them to.

“Oh um- yeah I guess I just don’t really realize when I’m doing it,” Taeyong says, lifting a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“Do you do it when you’re nervous?” Yuta asks.

“Yeah I guess so,” Taeyong responds softly with a small shrug, becoming more and more unsure of himself. Yuta is quiet for a few seconds, as if contemplating something in his head. He takes a careful step forward, eyes never leaving Taeyong’s.

“Do I make you nervous?”

Taeyong’s eyes snap up to meet Yuta’s. It was an honest question, no hints of playfulness in the other’s voice. And that scares Taeyong even more. So he doesn’t answer the question.

“Listen, about last night-” Yuta tries to start but Taeyong interrupts him.

“I haven’t told anyone, and I never will. I swear, you don’t have to worry about it. Just...please forget about it,” Taeyong tells him with a lowered voice. He looks around the living room nervously.

Winwin is on the couch, fast asleep with a pillow between his legs. Doyoung and Jaehyun are sitting near him, talking to each other with undivided attention. Taeyong doesn’t miss the hand that finds itself on Doyoung’s lap or the crinkle in Jaehyun’s eyes as he laughs. Usually he would find the sight endearing but right now it only fuels his anxiety.

Yuta follows his gaze, entirely aware of what’s happening between the two. “Let’s talk somewhere more private, yeah?” he offers in a soft voice.

Taeyong doesn’t want to talk. And when Taeyong doesn’t want to talk, he becomes really good at running away, which is exactly what he wants to do right now. He doesn’t know why Yuta even wants to talk to him, why he himself doesn’t seem to be the least bit embarrassed about the whole situation that happened.

He chalks it up to curiosity when he gives the other a small nod and starts leading them to one of the guest bedrooms down the hallway. When Yuta walks in, Taeyong momentarily has an internal debate, considering if he should leave the door open or close it. He opts for the latter. And kind of regrets it when he turns around to see Yuta’s gaze trained on him. He tries to find the right words to say but his mind is a mess already and he feels his heart rate start to pick up. Yuta cuts him off before he can even start stammering.

“I know our meeting was pretty...out of the norm as far as first meetings go. And this might sound weird but I’d like to be your friend, Taeyong. I can tell you’re not comfortable around me, though. Completely understandable, of course. Is there anything I can do to help you change that?”

Taeyong looks at him in awe, trying to process his words. For some reason, he trusts that they’re sincere.

Yuta’s the exact opposite of him, very outgoing and comfortable with himself. Eloquent with his words. He can’t help but be jealous when he thinks about how he himself has been handling the situation on the other hand. He clenches his fists. He tries to control the hammering in his chest but he just can’t. His failure to compose himself only adds to his frustration.

“I don’t- I can’t think-” he tries to talk but he can’t find the right words. He _wants_ to make things right but he can’t even think about what’s wrong. Taeyong feels himself about to go into an actual panic attack, his breathing getting progressively faster.

“Wait right here, I’ll be right back,” Yuta tells him all of a sudden and he rushes out of the room just like that. That momentarily snaps Taeyong from his trance.

He stands in the middle of the room, completely motionless and confused. Did Yuta just run out on him? No, he wouldn’t be so cruel as to abandon someone who was having a panic attack right in front of him, right?

Just when Taeyong feels the anxiety about to come back in full force, Yuta bursts back into the room, breathing a little heavy and holding a cup of...orange juice? And one of the buckets Taeyong was using to clean the carpet stains. He’s about to ask for the other’s reasoning for all this when Yuta tips the glass in front of him and completely empties out the glass’ contents onto the carpet. Taeyong gasps like he’s just seen someone commit murder in front of him.

“Yah!! What the hell are you-”

Yuta holds the bucket to him. “You said you can think clearly when you’re cleaning. So. Clean. Say your thoughts out loud. I’ll listen and I won’t say anything until you’re done,” Yuta tells him, one hundred percent serious. Taeyong just blinks at him for a while, slightly floored by the whole situation. “Orange juice is really sticky, you might wanna get that out sooner than later,” Yuta eggs him on.

That finally gets Taeyong going, grabbing the bucket from Yuta, which thankfully also has gloves hanging from the side. He quickly puts them on and reaches for the brush in the bucket. Meanwhile, Yuta walks behind him, putting himself totally out of Taeyong’s view.

“Pretend I’m not here and just talk to yourself. You can think in your head for a bit but I wanna hear what you have to say. Take your time,” Taeyong hears Yuta instruct softly from behind.  

Taeyong pauses before beginning to scrub the floor. The room is quiet, the only noise coming from the brush’s repeated contact with the carpet. Yuta stays true to his words and doesn’t make a single sound. Having Yuta out of his vision and completely silent does an unexpectedly great job of fooling Taeyong’s anxiety. After a while, he feels himself relax a little, but he stays quiet for a bit longer until he’s ready to talk.

“Girls have always found me attractive for some reason.” Taeyong knows what an ass that must make him sound like but if Yuta thinks it too, he doesn’t say anything. So he pushes on.

“They try to make a pass and get my attention but I don’t know what they expect from me. I mean, I do know but I can’t give it to them. I can see their face and I can tell myself yes, they are technically attractive by society’s fucked up standards but that’s not coming from _me_. _I_ don’t find them personally attractive. A hundred other guys could tell me otherwise but I just can’t agree. I always thought, you know maybe I just happen to be super fucking picky but I’ve been alive for twenty two goddamn years and I haven’t met a single girl who makes me want to hold her hand or wrap her in my arms. Not a single one. But they never stopped and they kept trying to approach me in hopes of getting something I can’t give them. So I just started avoiding interacting with girls. Avoided parties like the plague and before I knew it, I was just avoiding people in general.”

“When Jaehyun came out to me I didn’t think anything of it. My male best friend happens to like men, okay cool. I didn’t think it would have any effect on our friendship and I thought he was stupid for thinking I would stop being friends with him just because he likes guys. He always tried to avoid bringing it up after but nothing changed in our friendship and that was that. But last night, I saw you two and I was just so confused. It was my first time actually seeing anything like that and it threw me on a fucking loop. And I can’t deny that I got turned on by it. I didn’t want to be, but I was. Of course you picked up on that and you even caught me looking at you and I was so fucking embarrassed and ashamed. For the first time, I saw someone and felt some semblance of attraction but it didn’t make sense because you were a guy. It felt wrong but I also knew it shouldn’t have to feel wrong and I don’t know, I just-” Taeyong stops himself to take a breath.

“I’m really anxious around you and I don’t know how to act. It doesn’t help that you’re always fucking blinding me with your ridiculously photogenic smile. And that you’re actually super nice and friendly and sincere. Usually I get annoyed by people like you, way too cheery for no fucking reason. But I’m kind of drawn to you? I want to be around you but at the same time I hate it because I can’t get myself to calm down when you’re there. And I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about all this because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I might be having a sexual identity crisis and it’s probably because of you.”

Taeyong freezes at his own words. He had gotten carried away and everything kept coming out of him like an angry faucet with an unstoppable flow. The weight of his words sink into him all at once.

He feels numb and the silence is deafening. So he makes a move to jump up towards the door.

“Please don’t run away,” Yuta says in a rush from behind him, voice determined but not demanding. “Can I come around to face you?”

Taeyong shakes his head sideways slowly, knowing that if he sees Yuta’s face right now he will definitely flee.

“Alright. That’s okay, I’ll stay right here. I’d like to talk now though if that’s okay with you,” Yuta asks for permission. Taeyong gives a small nod, steeling himself to the floor.

“Last night, I kind of got the gist of what you just told me to be honest. It entertained the hell out of me at first but seeing how I clearly made you anxious and uncomfortable made me feel awful. I shouldn’t have egged you on like that. You already seemed like a pretty skittish person and my dumb ass didn’t think to consider that earlier. So again, I’m really sorry about that. Sometimes I get ahead of myself.” Taeyong can hear the genuine regret in his voice.

“I want to be your friend and I don’t want you to feel embarrassed about anything. There’s no reason to be. I’m not judging you for anything. If you find me attractive, then hey thanks. I still want to be friends with you and if you do too, then I want you to understand that it doesn’t have to make things weird between us. I know that’s probably easier said than done and I probably can’t do anything to stop you from feeling awkward around me but I’m hoping that the knowledge that I’m not weirded out by anything you just said can ease your mind a little. And I’m really not bothered by anything. It’s okay to feel those things, Taeyong. It’s not gross, it doesn’t make you less acceptable as a human being. But I also understand that it’s all new and the realization is really shocking. I’ve been there and it was a fucking nightmare. I didn’t get the proper support that I needed. And even when someone was kind enough to extend their hand out to me I-” Yuta cuts off his own words. Taeyong hears the heavy sigh come out of him.   

“I hurt people, people I really cared about because I was too damn selfish and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I don’t want you to go through what I did. I want to help you in any way I can. If you’d let me.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything but Yuta’s sincerity comes across to him very clearly and his heart swells and he kind of wants to cry.

“I really appreciate you opening up, Taeyong. If you still think it’ll be too weird to hang around me, I’ll understand. I don’t want to make you maintain a friendship that’s too straining for you. You have no obligations to me. It’s entirely up to you and you don’t have to decide now. You can come to me later and if you don’t, I’ll take the hint. I would prefer if you reject my friendship in person though,” Yuta says with a small laugh. He doesn’t say anymore after that, letting Taeyong think to himself.

When Taeyong finally gets a chance to think about things, the first thing he notices is how lax he actually feels. It’s strange but he feels calm. He doesn’t know if it’s because of Yuta’s gentle words or his typical after-cleaning euphoria but either way he’s relieved. He takes one deep breath before turning around to finally face Yuta. Taeyong tells himself that the man has been nothing but kind to him and so he decides that he wants to be strong for him too. When their eyes meet, Taeyong shrinks a little but doesn’t break the contact.

“I think I would like it if we became friends,” is all Taeyong manages to say but in the next second, Yuta’s smiling like he’d just won the lottery and Taeyong thinks it isn’t fair.

“I won’t let you down, sir,” Yuta jokingly says with a cheesy salute and Taeyong laughs, feeling light as air.

“Thank you,” Taeyong says quietly. He wants to elaborate more to express the overwhelming gratitude he’s feeling but Yuta shakes his head, letting him know that he doesn’t have to.

“Just helping out someone who reminds me of my younger self.”

Taeyong scoffs at that. “How old are you anyways?”

“Twenty-two. Same as you,” he responds, sounding proud.

“July 1st, 1995,” Taeyong announces as a challenge. Yuta’s face falls and Taeyong smiles smugly.

“October 26,” Yuta says with a sigh. “I’m not gonna start calling you hyung if that’s what you’re expecting.”

“You’re not a very good dongsaeng,” Taeyong teases. He pauses, realizing that he hasn’t had a comfortable conversation like this with anyone other than Jaehyun for a long time. He looks at the man in front of him and feels undeniable affection. Before he can even reprimand himself for it, he hears a knock on the door.

“Taeyong-hyung, you in here?” Jaehyun calls from the other side of the door. Taeyong walks towards the door and opens it. Jaehyun’s eyes immediately look past him and a mix of surprise and curiosity passes by him.

“Oh. Hi, Yuta-hyung,” Jaehyun greets him with an awkward wave. Yuta smiles in return. Jaehyun notices the bucket on the floor and the drying spot next to it. Taeyong follows his gaze.

“Oh um, Yuta spilled orange juice,” Taeyong answers ahead of time.

“Clumsy me,” Yuta adds with a raise of his shoulders. Taeyong looks towards the Japanese man and gives him a knowing smile, the other returning it shortly. Jaehyun feels like a silent conversation is happening between them.

“O-kay…” Jaehyun lets out, entirely confused by the situation. “The guys are gonna be here soon so we’re getting stuff ready.”

“Oh okay, we’ll come out and help,” Taeyong says, picking up the bucket before walking out of the room, only giving his best friend a passing glance. Once Taeyong is out of the room, Jaehyun looks back to Yuta with a raised brow. He’s about to ask what the hell just transpired in his guest room but then figures that his best friend will tell him about it later. So he gives Yuta an awkward smile before walking away.

When he arrives at the kitchen, he sees Doyoung and Taeyong talking and is surprised by how natural the interaction looks. Taeyong isn’t rigid as a pole and is responding to everything Doyoung says with more than one word. Just then, Yuta walks in and ruffles Doyoung’s hair in passing, who swats his hands away and groans in annoyance, immediately going to fix his hair afterwards. Taeyong chuckles at the two and Jaehyun feels like he’s looking at a different person.

He doesn’t miss it when Taeyong and Yuta glance at each other, exchanging smiles and putting themselves in their own world for a second.

His best friend would definitely be talking to him about this. Sooner rather than later.


	4. Two Steps Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woot a lot of stuff happens in this chapter so hope ya'll enjoy it!
> 
> also, I encourage everyone to re-read the tags. I don't wanna spoil what happens but I do want people know about the warnings in the tags

Taeyong stares at the red solo cup in his hands, swishing around the clear liquid absentmindedly. He wonders how he was able to agree to let himself be in the exact situation that he was desperately trying to avoid just the previous night. He glances across the room and watches Yuta as he talks animatedly to Mark and Haechan about something, his captivated audience. Taeyong smiles.

Just from their few and undeniably weird interactions, he’s come to develop an unfamiliar feeling of attachment towards the other. Why the Japanese man had offered to become friends with him despite his clear disability to socialize is beyond him. But hearing him say those words had given Taeyong the warmest feeling. 

After their oddly serious and way too personal conversation, Taeyong also surprisingly finds himself less wary around the other. He made his good intentions clear and Taeyong for whatever reason chooses to trust him, a person he has just met the previous night. The nervous jitters are still there when they interact but he’s proud to say that he’s able to hold normal conversations now. Truly a wondrous feat in his eyes.

“Hey there.” The sound of his best friend’s voice breaks him from his inner thoughts.

“Hey, Jae,” Taeyong greets back. He immediately notices the way Jaehyun carefully eyes him and knows that he wants to ask something. “What is it?” he asks preemptively.

“Nothing, just um. You and Yuta-hyung…” Jaehyun looks towards the other man across the room before glancing back at his best friend. “Something happen between you two?”

Taeyong panics for a second, wanting to be truthful to his dear friend but also understanding that he has to leave some information out on Yuta and Winwin’s behalf. Not to mention that he isn’t really prepared yet to have that conversation with him.

“We’re friends now,” is what he eventually decides on saying. Jaehyun’s eyes go wide. 

“What? How?” he asks, genuinely curious as to how the other managed to crack the man who had been unyielding about expanding his circle of friends for years. Taeyong laughs at the state Jaehyun’s in.

“I’ll talk to you about it later, alright?” he responds, hoping that the other won’t continue to press on. Jaehyun frowns but nods anyways. He looks down at the cup in Taeyong’s hand.

“You can put that down you know. No one’s gonna force you to drink it. And everyone knows you aren’t going to,” Jaehyun tells him with a knowing grin. 

For some reason it ticks Taeyong off and his stubborn, spiteful side makes a rare appearance. He lifts the cup to his mouth and downs the entire thing in one go. He scrunches his face in disgust afterwards, slamming the now empty cup on the table in front of him. The priceless look of shock in Jaehyun’s face makes him think for a moment that it was worth it. 

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Jaehyun asks, not entirely joking. Taeyong giggles, the warmth settling in his stomach. He thinks for a second that he might have just made a terribly impulsive decision but it passes before he can linger on it.

“New year, new me,” he says with a wave of his hand.

“It’s August.” 

Taeyong chooses to ignore the curt response. He stands there for a while, just scanning the room in silence, not thinking much of anything. After a while, he starts to feel funny. He can tell something’s not quite right, but his mind is calm as can be for once in his life. He’s not even sure why but he makes his way towards Doyoung, who he spots alone on the couch. 

A sudden burst of confidence comes over him and he attributes it to this new feeling of lightness in his body. If he had known the effects of alcohol earlier, he would have been more eager to partake in the festivities.

“Sup,” Taeyong utters way too casually, flopping himself down next to the confused man.

“Um. Hi,” Doyoung says in caution. He looks to Jaehyun who just shrugs, indicating that he has absolutely no idea what’s going on with the guy either.  

“Do you like Jaehyun?” Taeyong asks without preamble. Doyoung splutters. “I just wanna know. Because it seems like you do.”

“You’re oddly talkative today, aren’t you?” he asks in turn, avoiding the question.

“Do you though?” Taeyong presses on, unyielding.

“What makes you think I would tell you? You’re his best friend, you’re the most untrustworthy.”

“When did you realize you liked him?” Taeyong gives up on hearing the other’s confirmation. Doyoung looks at him incredulously.

“You know I liked you more when you were an awkward block of concrete. And quiet,” Doyoung hisses without much venom. “Why are you even asking me about this?”

That makes Taeyong pause. He hadn’t planned to say any of those things really. Usually he calculated his words carefully before permitting them out of his mouth. But at the moment, he feels like he’s on autopilot.

“Just wondering how you know when you like someone,” he answers quietly. His eyes wander in search of a particular person. To his surprise, said person was currently walking towards him.

“Is he alright?” Yuta asks Doyoung as soon as he gets to the two.

“I think he’s drunk,” Doyoung answers. Taeyong sits up to protest but he lets out a hiccup instead, flopping himself back against the couch. Yuta and Doyoung look to each other, silently agreeing that the man was definitely drunk. Just then Jaehyun joins them. He notices the condition his best friend is in and cackles.

“Oh man, I am never gonna let him live this down. I’m so not surprised that he’s such a lightweight,” the dimpled boy says in clear amusement.

“How much did he have?” Doyoung questions.

“I don’t know, he just chugged whatever was in the cup he was holding,” Jaehyun answers with a shrug. Taeyong reaches for his arm just then, tugging at his sleeves.

“Yo the room’s kinda spinning. It’s pretty cool,” Taeyong comments in a drawl, twirling his index finger in the air lazily for emphasis. The three of them look to each other and bursts out in laughter together. Suddenly, Taeyong feels a hand rest itself on top of his head. He turns and makes eye contact with the owner of the hand.

“You’re in for a rough night, kid,” Yuta tells him with a fond smile as he gently ruffles the brown mop of hair. He moves to retract his hand but Taeyong grabs his wrist in the next second, keeping it in place.

“That feels nice,” Taeyong lets out without regard, closing his eyes and easing into the touch. Yuta’s eyes widen and Taeyong fails to see the hints of rose in the other’s cheeks. The Japanese man lets out an awkward laugh as he tries to disengage his hand from the other’s hold. There’s not much strength in the smaller hands so he frees himself with relative ease. Taeyong opens his eyes and looks up to him with a pout way too childlike for a man his age.

“Why’d you take your hand away?” the doe-eyed boy asks with clear disappointment. Yuta gapes at him briefly before clearing his throat and excusing himself from the group. 

Meanwhile, Doyoung is completely floored by the unfamiliar nervousness his friend had been exuding during the odd interaction. He looks at Taeyong, who displays a look of pure hurt for a second until he goes back to reclining languidly against the couch, repeatedly kicking a leg up and down like a kid with a tantrum. Something clicks in his head just then. 

“I’m bored guys, let’s play a game,” Haechan hollers suddenly from across the room and gains everyone’s attention.    

“Shit, yeah let’s play  _ the  _ game!” Youngho exclaims excitedly. 

“Oh god, we haven’t done that in so long,” Taeil, whose name Taeyong finally learned at some point in the night, says in a groan but he moves in favor of the idea. Soon enough, everyone starts gathering in a circle. Yuta and Winwin follow the other’s actions, unsure of the details but willing to participate. Taeyong is the only one outside of the circle, still sitting comfortably in the couch, not seeming to pay attention to anything.

“Taeyong, you gonna join us?” Youngho calls out to him, taking him out of his drunken stupor. Jaehyun looks back at his friend then at the rest of the group nervously.

“I don’t think he should play this game,” he announces. Most of the people in the group knew about Taeyong’s supposed sexual orientation aside from Youngho and Winwin.

“Oooh are we playing a game? I wanna play!” Taeyong shoots up just then and stumbles towards the circle. 

“Um. We’re playing spin the bottle, hyung,” Jaehyun informs him clearly. Taeyong pauses. But soon after, he places himself next to his best friend. Jaehyun looks at him in awe but doesn’t question him. The others react equally as confused. Yuta watches Taeyong fidget in his seat, clearly somewhat sober, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Sweet, let’s start then!” Youngho says excitedly, oblivious to the tension in the room. He grabs a bottle nearby and fishes out a coin from his pocket.

“What’s with the coin?” Yuta inquires. 

“Oh yeah so for the newbies. This isn’t just the regular, ol’ spin the bottle. When the bottle lands on someone, I flip a coin. Heads is just the regular kiss. Tails is 7 minutes in heaven,” Youngho explains with a smirk. Yuta rolls his eyes.

“I didn’t realize we were back in high school,” he says sarcastically but doesn’t make a move to retract himself from the game. 

“You did this shit in high school?” Youngho asks incredulously. Yuta crinkles his nose when he smiles.

“Adorable,” is all he says in response. Youngho frowns at the sexual prowess Yuta has just established.  

“Whatever, can we just start?” Haechan huffs in annoyance.

“Aren’t you too young for this kid?” Youngho teases. Haechan just rolls his eyes and reaches forward for the bottle, spinning it with a swift motion. It stops in front of Taeil. Youngho then takes the coin and flips it as he said he would. Mark looks way too tense as the taller man opens his hand to reveal the coin. 

“Heads.”

Mark visibly relaxes but still has a disappointed look on his face as the youngest crawls across the circle to place a split second kiss on the older’s lips. 

“Wow, so scandalous,” Haechan says with a sarcastic wave of his hand. When he sits back in his place, he sends Mark a quiet smile. 

“Me next,” Youngho announces. He twists the bottle and watches carefully as it slows to a stop. Right in front of Yuta. 

Taeyong just manages to stop the gasp from escaping his mouth. He looks down into his lap.

Youngho looks to the Japanese man and seems legitimately terrified. Meanwhile, the other makes a display of looking far too relaxed, head tilted to the side as he motions for him to go on and flip the coin. It lands on heads. 

Youngho gets up and walks towards him, nervously kneeling in front of him. When he doesn’t make a move to initiate anything, Yuta grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him forward. Youngho in all his wondrous height squeals in surprise. It had looked like Yuta pulled him in for a rough kiss but at the last second, he shifts his head to the side and lands a quick peck on the giant’s cheek instead. When Youngho pulls away, Yuta gives him a mocking grin. Youngho blushes at how he had just been completely played.

“Jesus, why is everyone being so vanilla today?” Doyoung notes questioningly as he reaches for the bottle himself. When it stops at Jaehyun, the two immediately look to each other in anticipation. They both equally deflate a little when Youngho shows the coin head side up. Jaehyun doesn’t miss a second though, as he swiftly moves to place himself in front of Doyoung. He waits for a nod from the other before he reaches for the back of his neck and pulls him in for the first real kiss of the night. 

Taeyong has a clear view of the two right next to him, eagerly locking lips. No amount of alcohol would stop him from blushing like a madman at the scene. He sees a flicker of Jaehyun’s tongue as it swipes across Doyoung’s bottom lip in request for entrance. Doyoung doesn’t bother masking the lewd sound that Jaehyun’s actions elicit from him. He looks like he’s about to climb into the other’s lap so Youngho claps his hands loudly to break the two off.

“Friendly reminder that the coin landed heads,” he informs them and they finally detach themselves from each other. 

“That wasn’t so vanilla now was it?” Jaehyun asks with a pant and a positively smug smirk. Doyoung gives his chest a weak shove as he turns away to hide the smile on his face. 

Taeyong doesn’t realize how much his heart rate has picked up until now. He suddenly feels very aware of the situation, a moment of clarity passing through his still partially clouded head. To make matters worse, he notices how everyone in the room is now looking at him expectedly. With a spike of his breath, he realizes it’s his turn. His hands are shaking a little when he goes to spin the damned bottle. A few people away, Yuta is watching him closely with hidden worry.

As the bottle continues to spin, Taeyong finally starts regretting his choices for the night. When it comes to a complete stop, he knows who’s in the general direction of it. Slowly, he traces its path, heart pounding in his chest. 

And when his eyes meet the all too familiar brown orbs, his breath hitches. 

Panic.           

“7 minutes in heaven,” Taeyong blurts out to everyone’s surprise. 

“Um. I’m supposed to flip the co-”

“I said. 7 minutes in heaven,” Taeyong interrupts Youngho abruptly. He is rarely insistent on things but when he is, he does not relent. The room is quiet, eyes darting around in search for someone who will do something about the situation.

Yuta shoots up from where he’s sitting. He takes the coin from Youngho and smacks it back on the tall man’s hand, tail side up.

“Oh wow would you look that,” he says, obviously feigning shock. Without pause, he whips around and heads to the hallway by himself, knowing that Taeyong will be right behind him. Sure enough, when he looks back, he sees the shorter male trailing behind with his head hanging low. He opens the first door he sees and enters. Of course it would be a small pantry room. 

Taeyong peeks his head in before slowly making his way inside, carefully closing the door shut. When the door knob clicks in place and darkness covers them, he stills. He stays facing the door, too nervous to turn around and face the other. Yuta remains quiet, waiting for Taeyong to say something.

“I didn’t want to do it in front of everyone,” Taeyong mutters so quietly under his breath, Yuta wouldn’t have heard him if they weren’t in a tiny, enclosed space.

“We don’t actually have to do anything, Taeyong,” Yuta informs him in a soothing tone. Taeyong slowly turns himself around and tenses when he realizes how close Yuta is, close enough for him to have to tilt his head up ever so slightly to meet his eyes. He swallows when his eyes adjust to the darkness. The room is still spinning a little.

Taeyong tells himself it’s the alcohol taking over when he starts to speak his next words. “How...how did it feel?” he asks in a slight whisper. 

“How did what feel?” Yuta asks back.

“Kissing Youngho on the cheek,” Taeyong answers, even quieter. He studies the other’s face as he waits for a response, tracing the sharp curves of his jawline and pointed nose. Yuta blinks at him with a blank face.

“Nothing. It didn’t feel like anything,” Yuta tells him the truth. Taeyong doesn’t know why he wants to smile. 

“Can I have one?” Taeyong asks before he can even think about it. Friends can give each other kisses on the cheek, right? 

When he sees the other’s eyes widen a little, however, it makes him shrink back and cast his eyes down to the floor. He suddenly feels really stupid. He’s about to turn around and physically extract himself from the painfully awkward situation when Yuta stops him dead in his tracks with his words.

“If...if you really want me to,” Yuta lets out carefully. Taeyong’s head shoots up. “We really don’t have to do anything though, you don’t have to feel like we have to. Do you actually want me to?” Yuta asks for further confirmation.

“It’s just on the cheek,” Taeyong says meekly. Yuta’s about to ask again but Taeyong speaks back up. “I want to.” His voice is small but sure. Something in his head screams for him to stop whatever this is but he shakes it away. Yuta looks at him with worry at first but he puts a comforting smile on his face. He opens his mouth to say something but then quickly closes it. Taeyong marvels at the sight of the other hesitating with his words for once. 

“Can I hold your hand?” The question catches Taeyong off guard.

“Why?” he asks, even though the answer is already on the tip of his tongue.

“I just want to.” Do friends usually want to hold hands too?

“...Okay.”

Taeyong hasn’t really been paying attention to his body but as soon as he feels the warmth envelope his hand, he gasps, his heart hammering so hard he can hear it. When Yuta’s fingers intertwine with his, it feels like the overworking muscle might actually burst from his chest. He thinks Yuta might really want him dead when the other steps forward, bringing himself even closer. Out of reflex, Taeyong steps back only to come into contact with the door instead. He makes a surprised noise. Yuta immediately moves to give him more space but doesn’t let go of his hand. He stands where he is, waiting for Taeyong to make the next move this time.

And so with a tentative step, Taeyong brings himself closer to the other. When he feels Yuta’s breath tickle his cheeks, he stills and hopes for the other to do the rest. Because when he looks into Yuta’s eyes, he can’t bring himself to move another inch of his body anymore. Before he gets completely lost in the other’s eyes, he closes his own, giving Yuta his final signal of consent. 

It’s just on the cheek, he tells himself. He’s just being a stupid drunk.

He only waits a few more seconds before he finally feels the heat of Yuta’s face invade his own space. When soft lips press gently to his cheek, Taeyong isn’t prepared for how his body comes alive. 

Yuta’s lips linger for a while, long enough to allow the spark to travel through the entire expanse of Taeyong’s body. He’s already hyper aware of every nerve ending when Yuta gingerly brushes a thumb on the back of his hand, leaving a jolting trail in its wake before finally pulling away.

Taeyong still has his eyes closed as he thinks about how he’s being far too affected by such a simple thing, willing his heart to slow down before it actually bursts open. 

“My hand Taeyong, you’re kinda hurting it.” His eyes fly open at the sound of Yuta’s slightly strained voice but it takes him another second or two before the words actually register in his brain. When they finally do, he flings his hand back with a gasp.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he apologizes earnestly. Yuta just chuckles.

“Remind me not to piss you off. Wouldn’t want that death grip around my neck,” Yuta teases, clenching and unclenching the mistreated hand. He smiles but in the next second, it falls from his face. “So. How was it?” he asks with a hint of uncertainty. And Taeyong wants to punch him because he’s supposed to be the embodiment of confidence and not looking softly at him like a kid seeking praise from his parents.   

He blinks at him, not knowing how to tell him that such a brief and innocent kiss on the cheek made him feel like fireworks on a festival day.

“Uhhh. I-”

Knock, knock.

“Hey um guys, time’s up,” Jaehyun announces hesitantly from the other side of the door. 

“Ri-right, we’ll be out,” Taeyong calls out and hears the hurried shuffle of footsteps away, eager to leave the premise. He twists the door knob slowly and cracks the door open, the light outside blinding him for a second. Step by step, he makes his way out and Yuta follows quietly behind. They walk back without saying anything. As Taeyong’s about to round the corner, Yuta stops him.

“You okay?” Yuta asks in a whisper, glancing down at the hand whose fingers were harshly flicking his nails in a familiar manner.

“Y-yeah, I’m totally fine.” Yuta frowns, clearly unconvinced. He’s about to say something when Taeyong turns back around and moves forward, thwarting the other’s attempt. 

When Taeyong walks back into the living room, he can’t look at anyone in the face. He makes his way back to his previous spot, eyes trained on the floor. 

“Well, well, well, look who finally came out of the closet,” Youngho jokes casually with a grin.

In that moment, Taeyong knows Youngho meant no harm by it. He didn’t even know anything about his situation. But the careless sentence seizes Taeyong more than he’s prepared for it to. He clenches his fists hard as an overwhelming feeling of terror envelops him. He suddenly has a hard time breathing. Behind him, Yuta watches in horror. 

All Taeyong can think about is that he needs to get  _ away, away, away, get away _ . He starts to feel light-headed and sinks to the ground and doubles over, bringing a hand to his chest as he starts gasping for air. He can feel everyone’s eyes on him and he wants to just disappear but he’s lost all the strength in his legs. He’s imprisoned by his own body and the realization causes the panic to roll over him in full force. 

Everyone immediately gets up at once to come to his side.

“Oh my god, hyung are you oka-” Mark calls out to Taeyong.

“Out, out, everybody  _ out! _ ” Yuta demands with a raised voice. The boys in the room are completely baffled, confused by their instinctual desire to help and Yuta’s conflicting instruction. But the urgency in Yuta’s voice ultimately stops most of them from advancing.

“Taeyong...” Doyoung, being the closest one to him, reaches out to the heaving boy in concern. When the hand lands on Taeyong’s shoulder, a visible shiver runs through his entire body before he scrambles away as if his life was threatened, his breathing becoming even more erratic.     

“Jesus Christ Doyoung don’t touch him!” Yuta reprimands him angrily, ignoring the way the other shrinks. “If everyone isn’t gone from this room in the next ten seconds, I will start dragging you away one by one myself,” Yuta is talking in a calmer voice but with a clear edge. “He’ll be fine but right now he really needs space and someone to help him breathe.” 

Thankfully, everyone finally begins to clear out the room at his words. Jaehyun looks to his fallen friend in concern but when he sees Yuta all but dive in front of the other with some distance, he turns around to follow the rest of the guys up the stairs. He hears Doyoung sniffle and places a gentle hand on his lower back.

“Taeyong, can you hear me? You’re having a panic attack and you’re breathing too fast. It’s okay, I’m here to help you. Just take deep breaths with me.” Yuta inhales and exhales deeply in demonstration. Taeyong doesn’t make a move to acknowledge his words.

“They left, they’re all gone. It’s just you and me.” Taeyong’s eyes flit around at that. “If you don’t want me here I can get Jaehyun. Do you want me to do that?” 

Taeyong shakes his head violently from side to side. 

“Okay, okay I’ll stay right here but you need to take deep breaths with me okay? It’s harder to breathe when you’re bent over like that, can you lie down on your back for me?” Yuta’s eyebrows start to crease in concern but he shakes his head and forces himself to regain composure. Taeyong lets his body fall to the side, slowly rolling over onto his back. His breathing hasn’t calmed down the entire time and the lack of oxygen is starting to make his vision swim. 

“Good, good, that’s good Taeyong. Now I need you to take those deep breaths with me. In and out. In.” Yuta inhales. “And out,” he exhales. Taeyong tries to follow the other’s actions but his breath catches in his throat, making him cough violently.

“It’s okay, just take it easy and breathe in very slowly. You’re in control, you’re alright. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m right here with you,” Yuta continues with his soothing voice. Taeyong closes his eyes and tries to focus on the gentle sound but his mind is so gripped by an unidentifiable, looming threat.  

It gets worse before it gets better but after fifteen minutes straight of Yuta talking to him calmly, Taeyong eventually feels his breathing slow down. After a few more minutes, his body stops shaking completely and he finally starts to breathe normally again. The feeling of panic is eventually replaced by an overwhelming exhaustion. His muscles are sore from being tense for so long, and he has sweat plastered all over him, making his clothes hug his body uncomfortably. Taeyong tries to sit up but his body feels heavy.

“Do you want me to help you up?” Yuta asks with caution.

Taeyong nods his head once. Yuta goes to move closer to him, wincing when he realizes his legs have fallen asleep from his lack of movement. Pushing through the uncomfortable tingling in his legs, he places himself right beside Taeyong’s laying figure. He looks to Taeyong before reaching out, silently asking for permission to touch. Taeyong slowly lifts a hand to capture the other’s sleeves in a pinch, which prompts Yuta to swoop his hands under his armpits. Slowly, he pulls him up to a sitting position.  

“How are you feeling?” Yuta asks. 

“Tired,” Taeyong lets out with a rasp. He tries to swallow but his face scrunches at the dryness of his throat. 

“I’m gonna go get you water, okay? I’ll be right back,” Yuta tells him as he stands. Taeyong nods, bringing his hands between his lap. He feels disoriented, like he’s just come out of a paralyzing trance after hours. He wants to get up but he doesn’t trust his body to be able to hold itself up. So he waits for Yuta to get back. When he does, it’s with an enticing looking glass of water. 

“Drink it slowly,” Yuta instructs as he hands it over to the man on the ground. Taeyong grips the glass as hard as he can, trying to overcorrect for the current weakness in his body. He drinks the entire glass unrushed, following Yuta’s words. When he’s done, his arms flop back down into his lap and he closes his eyes. Yuta gives him a second to himself. Taeyong’s eye’s suddenly shoot open, giving Yuta a shock. 

“The guys, I just... in front of them I-”     

“Shhh, shhh, don’t worry about any of that right now.” Yuta immediately stops him in his tracks, afraid the other will go into another attack. “No one’s mad or annoyed at you. They were just worried about you,” Yuta tells him, hoping to calm him down. Taeyong doesn’t try to argue, so he takes the opportunity to offer him help getting up. Once Taeyong’s on his feet, he stumbles and Yuta quickly goes to steady him by the arms. As soon as Taeyong regains his balance, he releases his hold. When the shorter male takes a step forward and falters again, however, he ducks his head under the other’s arm and holds his waist securely.

“Why don’t I help you to the guest room down the hall?” Yuta offers. Taeyong thinks they’re far too close but he really doesn’t have much strength in his legs, finding it difficult to even stand up. He looks away with a nod and the two make their way to the same room they were in earlier. 

Taeyong flops down on the bed as soon as he gets to it. His eyes close automatically and he lets the exhaustion consume his body. When he hears the shuffling of footsteps moving away from the bed and calls out, he’s practically half asleep.

“Stay. Just until I fall asleep.” Taeyong’s voice is so quiet, Yuta thinks for a second that he must have imagined it. “Please,” he croaks out a little louder, clearing away the other’s suspicion. Yuta doesn’t hesitate then to take a seat on the bed. He looks at the brown head of hair and has an overwhelming urge to thread his hands through it. When he realizes he’s already reaching out to do so, he withdraws his hand. 

“Go to sleep. I’ll be right here,” Yuta says softly. Taeyong hums in satisfaction. It doesn’t take long for him to fall into a deep slumber.

That night, he dreams of gentle fingers caressing his hair.       


	5. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NCT makes me so soft these days so have this fluff (also angst tho lol). Again, thank you for the comments and kudos <3

“Is he okay?”

“What happened?”

“Should I call an ambulance?”

All at once, the guys rush Yuta the second he steps foot into Jaehyun’s room where everyone had decided to gather for the time being. He makes a motion to make them back off a little.

“He fell asleep in one of the guest bedrooms downstairs, he’s fine,” he announces calmly. He notices Doyoung in the corner, still sitting down but looking just as worried as everyone else. He approaches the teary eyed boy.

“Hey, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know you were just trying to help,” he says with an apologetic smile and a hand to the other’s shoulder. Doyoung gives him a small nod in acceptance, feeling ashamed of himself more than anything.

“What happened out there?” Youngho presses on, fully unaware that he was the unintentional trigger to Taeyong’s attack. Yuta sighs, struggling for the right response. He decides it’s best to just stick to the facts.

“He had a panic attack. A pretty bad one. If you really want to know, you can ask him about it. It’s not my place to say anything for him. You guys really should give him space though. He’s probably gonna feel really insecure about it so the best thing you guys can do is to just treat him normally.”

Everybody nods, accepting his request easily. The room goes quiet.

“Yuta-hyung, can I talk to you for a second?”

Yuta didn’t even notice Jaehyun approaching him.

“In private,” Jaehyun announces as he looks around the room pointedly. The guys get the hint and slowly shuffle out of the bedroom. When the door closes and they’re the only two left in the room, Jaehyun looks at Yuta, a mix of confusion and slight annoyance on his face.

“What’s going on with you and Taeyong?” he asks, his tone a little less formal. Yuta sighs again.

“You really should be talking to him about it,” he says in accordance to his previous spiel.

“I tried asking him already and he won’t tell me. His own fucking best friend…” Jaehyun says, gazing at his own feet. He then looks up at Yuta and it’s clear that he’s harboring some animosity for the Japanese man at the moment. “He talks to you just fine though apparently.”

“What did he say?” Yuta asks, unfazed by his confrontational demeanor. Jaehyun stares at him for a bit, eyebrows furrowed together questioningly.

“What do you mean what did he say?” he huffs in annoyance.

“What exactly did he say when you asked him to tell you about it?” Yuta responds patiently. Jaehyun sighs and brings a hand out to dismiss the other right away but he finds himself trying to recall the conversation better anyways. He pauses when he remembers Taeyong’s exact words.

“He said he would tell me later…” Jaehyun admits quietly, his eyes back to studying his feet. Yuta lets out a small sigh.

“I’m not trying to purposefully leave you out, and I’m really sorry if it seems that way. You’re his best friend, Jaehyun. You’ve been his only friend for _years_ , of course it hurts to think he might be hiding something from you with a new friend. But remember that at the end of the day, you know him best. And you know he wouldn’t shut you out with ill intention. He’ll tell you what he wants to when he’s ready. Again, I’m sorry that the situation frustrates you but you’re not gonna hear it from me. It wouldn’t be right.”

Jaehyun stares at Yuta for a bit before letting his head hang down with a groan.

“Fuck, I can’t even keep acting like a dick, you’re too damn nice,” Jaehyun says in defeat. Yuta lets out a small chuckle at his words.

“Thanks?” he responds with an amused crinkle of his nose. Jaehyun lets out a short laugh with him. He then looks to him sincerely.

“Thanks for taking care of him, hyung. None of us would have known what to do. We probably would have just freaked him out even more.”

“Happy to help. And hey, now you know what to do if you’re ever in that situation again,” Yuta reassures him. Jaehyun nods pensively.

“And I’m sorry for lashing out at you like an idiot,” the dimpled boy apologizes sheepishly. Yuta shakes his head slightly.

“Your frustrations were totally valid, I won’t take anything to heart,” Yuta tells him. Jaehyun huffs in disbelief at his response.

“You know, I can kinda see why Taeyong opened up to you. You’re annoyingly comforting.”

“That doesn’t make sense?” Yuta says it as a question. Jaehyun just rolls his eyes. Yuta lets out a yawn just then. “Well, this was a fairly heart warming talk but if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going to bed now. I’m...what’s the proper term here... Fucking exhausted. Yeah I’m pretty fucking drained. Your best friend’s a piece of work,” Yuta teases with an entirely playful smirk. Jaehyun just laughs and shoos him away with a wave of his hand. Right when Yuta opens the door to walk out, Jaehyun suddenly stops him.

“Wait hyung, can you um...tell Doyoung to come here?” Jaehyun asks him hesitantly. Yuta raises an eyebrow. When he doesn’t respond right away, he sees a blush start to paint the younger’s cheeks. Yuta, being the person he is, takes two seconds to grasp the situation.

“Sure thing,” he says with his signature blindingly wide, perfect smile.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jaehyun thanks him shyly, grateful for the lack of teasing. He watches the other walk out into the hallway, feeling a sense of appreciation for the Japanese man for the second time that day.

“Kim Doyoung, young master Jaehyunnie requests your sexual services!” he suddenly hears Yuta call out to the group of boys downstairs. Someone--probably Doyoung--drops a piece of glassware and a cacophony of whistles and laughter follows shortly after.

Jaehyun actually face palms. He thinks to himself that Yuta isn’t that great after all but the smile on his face says otherwise.

 

\-----------------------

 

The moment Taeyong wakes up, it registers in his brain that he’s not at his own apartment. It doesn’t take long for him to remember the shit that unfolded the previous night. It all replays in his head like an awful, absolutely cringe-inducing movie.

_I got drunk. Yuta kissed me on the cheek--correction, I asked him to give me a kiss on the cheek and it almost gave me a heart attack. Then I actually had an attack. In front of all the guys. Yuta helped me through the entirety of it and then I proceeded to make him stay with me until I fell asleep. Like a fucking needy 5 year old._

Taeyong wants to go back to sleep and never wake up. There is absolutely no way in hell that he’s gonna be able to talk to anyone now. Today, his life officially starts as an honest to god hermit. He assigns his own first mission: sneak his way out of the house without being seen. He glances at the clock on the bedside table. No one should be awake at 9 in the morning the day after a party. Taeyong thanks his body for being so used to waking up at these hours.

He sits up and takes a few deep breaths. The moment he directs his gaze towards the door, he notices the piece of paper on the floor. He tells himself to ignore it and just get the hell out but when he reaches the door, he finds himself bending down to pick it up. He starts to read the noticeably messy handwriting.

 

> _You probably want to sneak away and avoid everyone and that’s totally fine. But if you want someone to talk to instead, please come wake me up. I’m on the couch. Don’t feel bad about waking me up. And don’t watch me sleep, I’ll probably be drooling or something._
> 
> _P.S. if you do choose to leave, just know that I’m a really light sleeper_

 

Taeyong snorts out a laugh. He knows who wrote it of course. It was the perfect combination of lighthearted sincerity and charming wit.

He wants to go home and hole up in his apartment, and usually he would have without even a second thought. But Yuta was an ever-driving force, reeling him in so effortlessly. And Taeyong realizes it’s because he lets him. He’s spent all of his life pushing people away, and so far it’s worked. You put up enough walls and people get tired of even trying. Too much of a hassle to break it down. But Yuta does something that no one’s ever thought to do. And it’s so stupidly simple but it _works_.

Instead of trying to force himself through the door, he just asks Taeyong to open it. And even when Taeyong does crack it open, he doesn’t just barge in. He stays right where he is, a few steps away, and simply reminds him that there’s no need to hide. Not from him.

Taeyong always has the option to run back in and slam the door shut. And he’s still standing behind the walls, but the door is wide open and his hands are off the knob.

When Taeyong walks up to the sleeping figure on the couch, he smiles. Yuta is curled up into a ball on his side without a pillow under his head and completely covered in a blanket. He examines the man’s face, noticing how long his eyelashes are and how his hair is actually starting to come down to the bottom of his eyes. Taeyong gets the urge to brush his fringe aside. He shoots the idea down and opts to give the man a light shake on the shoulder instead, realizing he had been looking at him far too long that it was on the border of being creepy.

“Yuta… It’s me, Taeyong,” he says in a soft whisper. True to his words, Yuta stirs immediately and starts to open his eyes with furrowed brows. He actually looks like he’s ready to start swinging but as soon as he spots Taeyong’s face, he relaxes and gives him a lazy smile. Taeyong feels his breath catch in his throat.

“You’re here,” Yuta says with a raspy voice, gazing up at him in open appreciation. Taeyong hates how his heart rate picks up so easily around him.

“I saw your note, you dork,” he teases. He’s gotten much better at controlling his reactions at least. “Your threats were pretty convincing.”

“I did not threaten you! I was just letting you know the likely outcome if you tried to escape,” Yuta defends himself instantly. Taeyong just rolls his eyes.

“Why’d you sleep out here, it’s freezing. Doesn’t your neck hurt?” Taeyong asks, feeling his mother hen instincts kicking in.

“Nah, I actually prefer sleeping without pillows. And I’m too manly to get cold,” Yuta answers, making Taeyong scoff.

“Says the person who turned himself into a burrito.”

Yuta sticks his tongue out at him. Taeyong laughs at the childish act and Yuta follows with a smile.

They look at each other for a few seconds too long and suddenly Taeyong feels that nervousness creeping in again. He breaks the eye contact and looks to his feet instead.

“Wanna go get breakfast somewhere?” Yuta offers then. He slips it in so casually but Taeyong knows this is Yuta subtly giving him an out and once again he’s astounded by the level of consideration the man’s capable of. Because of this, he can’t help but want to push himself. Because when Yuta tells him it’s going to be okay, he doesn’t have a hard time believing him.

“A-actually, I was thinking of making breakfast for everyone,” Taeyong says sheepishly but with his own level of conviction. The smile that Yuta gives him then belongs on top of a Christmas tree.

“I’ll help,” Yuta says. His perfect teeth almost blind Taeyong. “Can’t guarantee either of our safety though,” he adds, not entirely joking.

“Yeah let’s not blow up Jaehyun’s kitchen. I can handle it, you just take it easy,” Taeyong tells him.

“Wise decision,” Yuta commends. Taeyong shakes his head with a small smile, realizing that it was Yuta’s plan all along to scare him out of making him work.

When they get to the kitchen, Yuta immediately goes up to the countertop and hops up to sit on it, making himself comfortable in the seemingly most uncomfortable way. Taeyong is about to go off on how unsanitary it is but when Yuta turns to him and gives him _that_ smile, his mouth shuts itself on its own.

“So, what’s on the menu today, chef? I hope it’s not food poisoning.” Taeyong scoffs as he opens the fridge and scours what he can work with.

“I’m actually a pretty good cook, thanks very much,” he informs the other. Taeyong is far from the type of person to brag but if there’s anything he can feel some confidence in, it’s his cooking. He acknowledges that he’s at least above average at it.

“Hmm, I’m actually not surprised about that,” Yuta says after a thoughtful pause.

“Well, I’m a very predictable person.”

“On the contrary. I find you to be wildly interesting.”

Taeyong’s hand stills for a second as he’s reaching for the carton of eggs. There wasn’t a single hint of sarcasm in Yuta’s words and he isn’t quite sure how to take that.

“I’m really not.” Taeyong thinks that response in itself screams predictability but Yuta doesn’t back down.

“Everybody’s interesting in their own way. I guarantee there’s at least one thing you can tell me about yourself that I never would have expected.”

For some reason, Taeyong wants to uphold Yuta’s faith in him so he scrambles for that interesting something. But everything he first thinks about is boring and typical for an introvert like him. He’s about to regretfully finalize that he is in fact, completely and undoubtedly average through and through when he notices the brightly colored jars right next to Yuta.

“I used to dye my hair a lot?” Taeyong announces but it turns into a question by the end. It sounded a lot less lame in his head.

“What colors?” Yuta asks, sounding genuinely intrigued nonetheless.

“Um...red, blonde, blue, purple, white, gray, green, pink-”

“Wait whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me what? Okay, holy shit I for sure did not see _any_ of that coming, I demand pictures,” Yuta blurts out with a hand held out, entirely serious and expectant.

Taeyong’s lips tighten into a straight line. Of course he had pictures, he adored each and every vibrant phase of his head. Maybe a little too much. And that’s exactly why they were all catastrophically embarrassing selfies that he decided he would never _ever_ show anyone, not even to Jaehyun, not even if it was to save the whole world. Okay maybe the last one was an exaggeration but even then only slightly so.

Yuta clearly sees the apprehension plastered on Taeyong’s face so he says what he thinks would be a funny joke to lighten up the mood.

“Alright, never mind you can keep your nudes to yourself.”

When Taeyong doesn’t say a single word to correct him and instead gives him a look of pure, unadulterated horror, Yuta just gapes back at him in disbelief. Until he starts bending over in a full blown fit of laughter. Taeyong is sure he’s become the living embodiment of a tomato at this point.

“Fu-fuck I’m sorry, I’m not making fun of you I swear, this is just actually so ridiculous,” Yuta tells him in between fits of laughter.  

Taeyong manages a few nervous chuckles but he hasn’t been able to say anything or even look anywhere near Yuta for a while. When Yuta finally calms down, he sees the way Taeyong focuses all of his attention to his current task, stiff and silent as a board. His laughter dies down.

“I’ve got over 500 pictures of myself and I’m almost positive over 70% of them are nudes,” Yuta tells him like he’s just announcing the weather. If Taeyong was drinking something right now, it would have ended up being sprayed all over the counter. “I can show them to you, but that’d probably weird you out.”

Taeyong immediately registers the implication that Yuta _wouldn’t_ be weirded out by it and for a horrible second, he actually considers the other’s offer. But that definitely would not be okay for friends to accept so he smacks the idea away in a heartbeat.

“Um.”

Taeyong’s eloquence really shines through in moments like these. He looks at Yuta like a deer in the headlights.

“It’s okay to appreciate yourself, Taeyong. It doesn’t make you creepy or narcissistic. If it makes you happy and you’re not hurting anyone, who gives a shit right?” Yuta tells him with a casual shrug.

Again, Yuta’s words come out so simply but they always manage to hit right where Taeyong needs them to. He mulls over Yuta’s words for a bit longer.

“You really have over 500 selfies?” Taeyong doesn’t want to reiterate the fact that over half of them are nudes.

“Yep. Most of them are from high school though. I used to be actually kind of full of myself back then.”

“Used to be?” Taeyong asks with a grin and a cocked eyebrow. Yuta shakes his head with a smile.

“Alright, I admit I practically set that up for you.”

“Yeah, you kinda did.”

They look to each other and laugh. And Taeyong wonders, when did it get so easy for him to banter like this? He chalks it up to Yuta having this inhuman power that made it impossible for you to have your guard up around him. And the thought kinda scares him because it is pretty fucking terrifying. Taeyong already feels so comfortable around him, like they’ve known each other for years instead of just a few ridiculous days. He feels like he should be more careful but he really can’t bring himself to push Yuta away.

So he doesn’t. He takes a step forward.

“I don’t really like how I look. I try not to look at myself for too long in the mirror. But when I had my hair dyed, I would find myself lingering just a little bit longer. I don’t even know why, but it just made me feel…”

There’s a word in the back of Taeyong’s head but something stops him from saying it. He’s still a coward after all.

“...nice,” he concludes, the word not quite settling in his mouth right. And of course the slight pause of hesitance doesn’t slip past Yuta. Nothing ever seems to.

“That’s a very broad feeling,” Yuta comments, eyes locked on him.

Taeyong knows that if he changes the subject right now, Yuta won’t push it. But again, it’s because he knows he’s not being held down that he can even feel comfortable enough to let go.

So he does.

“Pretty,” Taeyong lets out in a quiet voice. “It made me feel pretty,” he emphasizes with more confidence. And it’s a strange flavor on his tongue but it feels _right_. Yuta gives him the softest smile.

“Rightfully so, I bet.”

Taeyong freezes at that. Yuta drops the compliment so casually, probably without much thought but it sends Taeyong’s mind on a fucking adventure. He immediately remembers being in the pantry room with Yuta and that’s a terrible place to start because _why, why, why_  did he do something so embarrassingly _stupid_. All of a sudden everything feels wrong.

 _He_ shouldn’t have asked for a kiss from _him._

 _He_ shouldn’t be complimenting _him_.

“Taeyong.”

He doesn’t even notice Yuta hopping off the counter and walking up to him until he feels the gentle touch on his wrist. The resounding smack that immediately follows breaks Taeyong out of his trance. He looks to Yuta in horror and brings the hand that had lashed out to his chest, apology already slipping out of his tongue but Yuta beats him to it.

“I caught you by surprise didn’t I? I’m sorry,” Yuta says, entirely unfazed that Taeyong had just violently slapped his hand away. He sees the redness on the other’s wrist and feels nothing but shame. He opens his mouth to say something but he can’t find the words. In that moment, he feels nothing but self-hatred. Yuta watches him silently for a while, seriously contemplating his next words. He takes a deep breath before allowing himself to speak.

“I want to tell you about something I haven’t told anyone before. Something that I’m not proud of.”

Taeyong looks up at that and when he sees Yuta’s head dropped low, anything but confident, he feels the atmosphere around them become heavy.

“I was in middle school when I realized I was more attracted to boys than girls. I told my mom about it because I was confused and I just wanted answers. And she gave me one loud and clear. She slapped me hard on the face and told me not to tell my father, to snap myself awake from my delusions. I remember just holding my cheek in shock and asking her why. ‘Because it makes you a disgusting person,’ she said.”

“And I believed her. Every time I noticed one of my friends’ shirt ride up and I stole a glance, I would go home and cry about it, feeling like I did something terrible. I avoided guys that I knew were particularly touchy because I didn’t want to have to feel bad about it. Eventually I gave up and just started isolating myself from everyone. And people let me. No one cared enough to reach out to me.”

“Until this one day I was at the library in my high school, studying for a math test I knew I was going to fail. And so there I was, about to pull clumps of my own hair out when this guy comes over and taps my shoulder. He said he approached me because he noticed how I was just staring at my math book, looking like the most miserable man on the planet. He offered to tutor me and I was pretty desperate for help so I agreed. My grade was nothing to be proud of but I passed and I was so fucking happy.”

“I thought we would just part ways after that but I realized I didn’t want to. I was so sick of being miserable and alone. And this guy comes along out of nowhere and he’s nice to me. So I asked him to hang out after school that day. And the day after that, and so on and so forth. Soon it became pretty routine for us to meet up whenever we had the time. And I was happy, finally having someone to hang out with and laugh at stupid shit with. Hansol was my first real friend. He was my first everything.” Yuta smiles to himself.

“I knew I liked him as more than just a friend. I couldn’t keep denying it when just being next to the guy made my heart beat so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest. Unlucky for me, he could read me like an open book. _Lucky_ for me, he felt the same way.”

“We fooled around a lot like the horny teenagers we were. One time he asked me what we were and I told him I didn’t want to think about it. I thought he’d get upset but he just smiled, told me that it was fine as long as he could have me by his side. The few months after that were the happiest times of my life.“ Yuta smiles softly before it’s replaced by a sharp look of pain.

“Eventually my dad found out about us. A neighbor happened to saw us kiss apparently. My mom just kind of stood there and watched him beat me. At one point, he took me by the arms and shook me. ‘He made you do it, didn’t he? He forced himself on you, didn’t he?’ I wanted to fight back but as soon as I started shaking my head no he grabbed me by the throat, ordered me tell him the truth. I was so scared and I just wanted him to stop hurting me so I gave in. He let go and when I started sobbing, he patted me on the back, told me everything would be okay and that he would make things right.”

“He almost went to the police but thankfully I managed to convince him out of it. But instead he dragged me to the principal’s office. He made me tell them that the bruises all over my body were from Hansol because he got mad when he tried to force himself on me and I rejected him. They called him in and he saw me covered in bruises. Hansol was always so gentle and so kind but the look that he gave my dad that day was _murderous_. When they confronted him about what I told them, I thought he would get angry at me. I wanted him to. I wanted him to put up a fight, deny everything and curse me for being a shitty person that would lie about something so serious. But he didn’t. He admitted to every single accusation without even a bat of an eye. I stood there and listened to him feed them the lies that _I_ gave.” Yuta’s fists were clenched tightly, knuckles going white.

“Luckily the principal cared more about the reputation of the school more than anything. Hansol got expelled but they didn’t report or publicize anything. But that didn’t stop the rumors. It was well known that we were always together so when his expulsion was announced and I came to school looking all beat up, people made their own assumptions. They spread all this horrible shit online and demonized him, this giant dork who cried when he accidentally stepped on a fucking caterpillar.” Yuta laughs pathetically to himself.

“I was silent through all of it. I let him get expelled for something he didn’t do and would never do. I let all those people spread those awful, awful lies about him. All to protect my own skin. That man gave me his everything and I gave him dirt for it.”

Taeyong doesn’t know when he started crying. When Yuta finally looks up at him, he reaches up and gingerly wipes a tear from his cheek.

“I didn’t tell you all that so you can feel sorry for me. I told you so you can believe me when I say that I _know_ what you’re going through. I _know_ what it’s like to fear your own desires. I _know_ what it’s like to hate yourself for something you have absolutely no fucking control over just because someone said you should. And it isn’t right, _god_ it really isn’t.”

Taeyong’s almost sobbing now but he doesn’t brush Yuta’s hands away when they cup his cheeks.

“Do you think I was disgusting for wanting to be with Hansol?” Yuta asks him, voice as gentle as his touch. Taeyong shakes his head sideways violently.

“Then there’s no reason for you to feel that way about yourself, is there?”

In that instant, Taeyong lets go of everything and he does start sobbing. He falls forward into Yuta’s arms and clutches onto his shirt like it’s the only thing holding him up. All the while Yuta holds him there, rubbing soft circles on his back which just makes Taeyong cry even harder.

They stay like that for a while. Yuta doesn’t tell him to stop crying, he doesn’t tell him that everything’s gonna be okay. He just holds him and gives him a shoulder to cry on.

By the time Taeyong’s come down to soft hiccups, a good portion of Yuta’s shirt has become sopping wet. Taeyong mumbles something into his shoulder. Yuta gently holds his arms to pull away but Taeyong wasn’t having any of that, clinging onto him even harder. Yuta lets out a melodic laugh.

“I can’t hear you if you stay buried in my shoulder like that you goof.”

Taeyong turns his head to the side and takes in a breath of fresh air. His hold on Yuta doesn’t ease up.

“It felt really nice,” Taeyong repeats, still quiet but discernible this time.

“What did?”

“The kiss. Last night.”

Taeyong can’t see it but he swears he can hear the smile in Yuta’s voice.

“Yeah?” Yuta asks and feels Taeyong nod. Neither of them say anything more about the matter but that was enough for the both of them.

“I feel like I should be paying you,” Taeyong blurts out all of a sudden. Yuta raises an eyebrow in question and waits for him to elaborate. “You’re like my personal therapist.”

That rouses another hearty chuckle from Yuta. This time, when he goes to pull them apart again, Taeyong complies. Yuta looks him in the eyes before he delivers his next words, still holding the other’s arms in his hands.

“I’m your friend, Taeyong.”

Taeyong forgets how to breathe under Yuta’s gaze and he suddenly becomes aware of how dangerously close they are. Even though he had just been shamelessly clinging onto the other like a koala, it was an entirely different ball game when faces were involved. Becauses faces had eyes and Yuta’s were swimming with a lot more tenderness than Taeyong was prepared for.

Another interesting thing that faces had were lips.

When Yuta sees Taeyong’s eyes flit down, something unreadable passes through his face. Taeyong thinks he imagines it when he sees Yuta lean in closer just a fraction of an inch. But before he can even begin to internally debate whether it was a trick on his eyes or not, Yuta had already stepped back and widened the space between them.

“So much for making breakfast huh? I guess I should probably help you now,” Yuta says as he reaches for the knife on top of the cutting board. That manages to snap Taeyong right away from his thoughts.

“Uh I think the fuck not, go sit back down on the counter.” Taeyong points to his previous location. Yuta gives a fake pout of disappointment.

They spend the next hour learning things about each other. As he cooks, Taeyong listens to Yuta as he tells him about how he played soccer for 11 years and had considered going pro. How he had seen TVXQ and was inspired to be an idol instead, ultimately backing out of that too in the end. Taeyong tells him about the time he was scouted in front of his high school and how he ran away from the recruiter. Yuta cackles at that.

“If neither of us were cowards, who knows, maybe we could have made it and ended up debuting in the same group,” Yuta muses.

“Ha, yeah right.”

Taeyong thinks it doesn’t matter. They found each other anyways, and that’s more than enough for him. He smiles to himself. He looks to Yuta, sitting on the counter right next to him. Suddenly, a thought comes to his mind but he hesitates whether to bring it up or not. 

“Can I ask you something?” he lets out hesitantly.

“I just told you something incredibly personal, not even Doyoung or Winwin knows about it. You can ask me anything, Taeyong,” Yuta tells him. Taeyong feels a blush start to paint his face as he nods.

“Have you ever had a panic attack?”

“More times than I can count,” Yuta responds, straight to the point. Taeyong feels the weight of his words, despite the other’s efforts to sound as casual as possible. He doesn’t know what to say and Yuta becomes aware of his discomfort. “You’re wondering because of last night, right?”

Taeyong looks up at him and nods once.

“It’s a lot better when someone’s there to help you through it. If you ever feel one coming up again, don’t hesitate to call me right away okay?” Yuta tells him, his tone insistent.

Taeyong doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to the unending generosity and kindness that Yuta keeps throwing at him. Just then, he pictures a young teenage boy alone in his room, gasping for air in the dark and feeling like the world around him is collapsing. His heart aches.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong lets out in a quiet voice, eyes cast down. He doesn’t have the proper words to express the sorrow he’s feeling. For a second, he’s afraid he might have offended the other but when he goes to open his mouth, he feels a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” Yuta says with sincerity, seeming to understand his intentions. Taeyong feels warm as he looks up at soft, brown eyes.

In the next second, they hear footsteps approaching and Yuta retracts his hand. Taeyong immediately finds himself missing the touch.  

“Holy shit that smells amazing.”

The two turn their heads and watch a towering and sleepy Youngho walk into the kitchen with a yawn.

“Morning, Chicago monster,” Yuta greets the newcomer brightly.

“That’s like the coolest nickname anyone’s ever given me,” Youngho responds, entirely serious. When his eyes meet Taeyong’s, he gives him a shy smile.

“Morning, chef. Need any help with that?”

Taeyong blinks frozenly at him for a few seconds before unpausing himself.

“Oh uh, no I’m good. Pretty much done. Thanks though,” he tells the other with a genuine smile. He’s surprised but thankful that Youngho doesn’t bring up his episode from the previous night.

“Why don’t you go wake up the others? We can all sit down and eat together, pretend that we like each other or something,” Yuta says as he hops off the counter. Youngho laughs and turns around to comply. When he walks out of the kitchen, Yuta turns to Taeyong.

“You good?” he asks, searching Taeyong’s eyes for any signs of discomfort.

“Yeah, I think I’m okay,” Taeyong tells him truthfully with a smile. Yuta returns it with a nod and they walk out into the dining room together.

They’re quietly setting the table when they hear uproar from above.

“Oh my god, put some fucking clothes on dude!” Youngho yells out.

“How about you fucking knock before barging into my room??” Jaehyun retorts, voice equally as loud.

“I’m gonna kill you both if you guys don’t shut the fuck up in the next second,” Doyoung adds with finality to the banter.

“Jesus, you’re naked too??” Youngho exclaims, voice going shrill at the end. The sound of a door slamming shut promptly follows.

Yuta and Taeyong look to each other after listening to the ridiculous exchange. They immediately burst out laughing, forgetting the task in front of them for a little while.

When Taeyong looks across the table and sees Yuta’s face lit up in unabashed laughter, he doesn’t know how he could be anything other than okay.


End file.
